The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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Battle ground.

December! The most wonderful time of the year!
Unless, of course, you’re a comedian appearing in a comedy club packed with people who think the most appropriate way to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus is to drink industrial quantities of booze before staggering into the venue and sitting as close to the stage as possible so nothing can get in the way of their enjoyment.
Not that they intend being amused by the comedians they’ve paid to see.
No, their enjoyment comes from being among a group of pals in Santa hats, loudly heckling, interrupting, swearing and generally behaving like chief guests at a moron convention.
Lacking the ability to behave themselves in public and the talent and steel nerves it takes to stand on a stage and make an audience laugh for half an hour or more, these braying donkeys reserve their loudest laughs for their own ‘hilarious’ comments.
I can’t think of a more pointless exercise than spending money to watch a comedian and then amusing yourself by shouting out half-witted insults which you mistakenly believe are funnier than the carefully-honed material being performed by the professional on the stage.
It’s no better for comedians booked as the ‘cabaret entertainment’ at a company’s Christmas dinner and dance in a hotel function room.
Because a crowd of (mainly) young people (all dressed-up and raring to let their hair down on their big night out) don’t want to sit quietly for 45 minutes listening to some poor soul trying to make them laugh.
If the crowd’s started drinking, they’ll soon tell the comedian he’s not wanted . . . very bluntly!
Comedy is the only form of entertainment where this happens.
You never hear of a drunken audience member at the circus who decided he could do better than the trapeze artistes risking their lives above his head and began climbing up the rope ladder to show them how it should be done.
Nor has any opera been interrupted by a drunk in the stalls who, believing he possessed a better voice than the leading tenor, climbed on stage, elbowed him out of the way and took his place.
Mind you, that might be fun to watch!
Personally, I relish getting in among the audience at my shows, so drunken hecklers don’t worry me.
Because, the next day, while they’re nursing a massive hangover, I’ll be paying my fee into the bank!

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Temptation:

It's that time of year when every retailer wants our hard-earned cash and we are constantly tempted to part with it as those special officers are all around us.
But do we really NEED all these bargains, or are we just seduced into becoming serial impulse buyers?
At home – clutter and waste is all around us in one form or another.
Things we don't use or need and quite often bought on impulse.
You know what happens after the big Black Friday sales?
I'll tell you.
A lot of people who bought new big screen TVs will take them home, hook them up and then realise they need to do something with their old TVs.
Same is true with other things they bought. Whether it be exercise equipment, bikes, toys, furniture, books, even high end audio gear, they'll want to get rid of the old to make room for the new.
A lot of unwanted items will end up at your local charity shop, which makes this a good time of the year to visit those stores - because they'll be overflowing with goodies.
Chances are, you'll find some real bargains there.
It's win win!
You pick up bargains; charities make more money

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Merry Christmas!

Every year this happens and it's doing my head in . . .
Yesterday morning the postman delivered that dreaded card that read, “Merry Christmas Phil. Best wishes from John”.
Now then – my address book, phone and Christmas card list has no fewer than 87 people named John.
So how am I supposed to know who this is from?
Why do they, or him, in this case, do it?
Doesn't he realise the blinking stress that he is causing?
For goodness sake, man, give me a fighting chance and a bit of a clue as to John who, or from where.
On the other hand, this could be a deliberate ploy to cause me stress and frustration.
The very same thing happened last year and I was still trying to work out who John was in April.
There were even a few sleepless nights trying to figure out which John he could be.
At this rate, I will need therapy!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk