Robert Lloyd - a Sir Gar Blog of random news . . . and some Clecs!

“In all marriages, the petrol eventually runs out of the tank and the engine goes dry. We were not meant to mate forever” – Entertainer Ruby Wax in her role as an agony aunt. “We could turn into the Belgian Navy. If we do, I’m gone” – Sir Jonathon Band, the First Sea Lord, protesting about spending cuts in the Royal Navy. “I could never be with a man who does nothing except look like a horse” - Reported remark by Petra Ecclestone, daughter of Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone, on Prince William. “Tony Blair is impressed by wealth, uniforms, intelligence officers and religious people” – Lord Kinnock, Labour’s former leader. “In my heart, I don’t think he’ll get it. He’ll be livid as he has been nominated eight times” – Actor Leslie Phillips on the prospects of Peter O’Toole getting an Oscar for his role in the film Venus in which the two veterans co-star. “Before I met him, I wasted so much time. I was just annoying and narcissistic, and smelt bad” – Actress Anne Hathaway on her boyfri...

Quotes of the day “If I was angry enough, my inner Scotsman would come out” – Actor Ewan McGregor, when asked whether he could look after himself in a fight. “Never should it be said that Rod Stewart hasn’t done his bit for female emancipation. He’s seen more sex than a policeman’s torch” – Dylan Jones, editor of GQ magazine. “I love macs but I worry that they make me look like a flasher” – Actor and comic Johnny Vegas. “Once you take your relationship into the public arena, it is a bit like dancing with the devil, and you should expect to suffer the consequences” - Actress Sophia Myles. “I like living in a town where people still point at aeroplanes in the sky. Bolton is the kind of place where I can wear my slippers down to the chip shop” - Comedian Peter Kay. “This is euphemism gone mad. And where does it leave that pillar of society, the ‘working man’? Out in the cold as far as the Government is concerned” – Sir Terry Wogan, on the use of the term “working girls” for prostitut...

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy The primroses were over. - Richard Adams, Watership Down Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her. - Jane Austen, Emma It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters. - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice Dr Iannis had enjoyed a satisfactory day in which none of his...

These are a few statements just for fun, look for the pun and you may find them funny! "I need a pencil sharpener" said Tracey bluntly "Oops!! There goes my hat" said Tammi off the top of her head "I can no longer hear anything" said Tracey deftly "I have a split personality" said Mark being frank "This must be an aerobics class" Trisha worked out! "I only have diamonds, clubs and spades" said beth heartlessly "Don't add too much water!" Said Darren with great concentration ""Your fly is undone" Was Marcs zippy re - joiner "Its not fair" said Trisha darkly "I haven't had any tooth decay yet" said kelly precariously

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old Pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny. NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place ? would I? DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursda...

King and I

SUITABLY refreshed by their half-term hols, a small (but dedicated and anonymous) band of teachers has now resumed their comic email transmissions from the staffrooms of Llanelli's secondary schools. Here are a few of the funnies that beat the email firewall to land here at Star HQ in Cowell Street. Murphy's Lesser Known Laws 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk...

LET'S get one thing straight: I don't have any time for all this criticism of Llanelli Scarlets fly-half Stephen Jones. The current Wales captain and holder of the No10 jersey has come in for more than his fair share of stick in recent weeks as the nation's fickle rugby fan club debates his prospects of retaining both jobs. The criticism doesn't go down well in Llanelli, where he's regarded as a returning hero following his short spell in France. In my book, he's a credit to Wales, to his region (the Scarlets) and to the town of Llanelli. He is an outstanding ambassador for the town. Our Stephen's been a leader since the day he captained the Carmarthen Under-11 soccer team. And he is the second biggest points scorer in Welsh rugby history. Having made it clear the guy is a hero in the Lloyd household, I have to admit to one niggling complaint about our Stephen. That is his willingness to adopt some of the hackneyed sporting phrases which seem to come from a ...