Robert Lloyd - a Sir Gar Blog of random news . . . and some Clecs!

I dare say, this is probably all over the interweb thingy, but it was sent to me by my good friend Alan Howarth - The Philosophy of Ambiguity and Idiosyncrasies of the English Language One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor Atheism is a non-prophet organisation If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman 'where's the self-help section?' she said it would defeat the purpose if she told me If a deaf child signs swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? Is there another word for synonym? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock garage toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked? One nice thing about egotists; they don't talk about other people Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If one synchro...

BBC News - Slug and snail rise could prove fatal to dogs Revenge of the snails!

BBC News - Liverpool airport worker 'knew man was dead' The bizarre story of trying to check-in a dead guy at the airport!

A van driver who hit two ducks on a Belgian road was astounded when he found a live mallard in his radiator grille after stopping near Wakefield, West Yorkshire. Paul Murphy, 41, from Leeds, hit the pair of birds on a dark country road in Belgium and noticed the force of the collision had smashed a hole in his radiator grille. But the driver, not realising one of the ducks was wedged under his bonnet, kept driving and did not discover the stowaway until he stopped to inspect the damage at a service station on the M1. Mr Murphy said: "All of a sudden I saw this green head behind the radiator. I couldn't believe it. My first thought was 'Oh dear, it's dead, what am I going to do here?' because it wasn't moving. "When its feathers moved I put it down to the wind, but then I saw it was breathing. I couldn't believe it." Using a screwdriver he was able to extract the duck, after which he put him in a cardboard box and drove it to a rescue centre. Vets ...

The national police force for the railways spent more than £9,000 on sweets over three years, the Government said. The British Transport Police spent a total of £9,630 plus VAT on bags of promotional sweets between 2006/07 and 2008/09. Junior transport minister Chris Mole said the sweets were used by the BTP at "community engagement and rail safety events".

Well, OK, not strange really. People really do have to break the bank to stay in Monte Carlo, according to a hotel price guide. Monte Carlo hotels were the most expensive in the world for UK travellers in 2009, averaging £172 a night, a survey by Hotels.com found. Despite a 27% drop on 2008 prices, Moscow was in second place, with its hotel rooms averaging £169 last year.

The Wurzels' novelty hit I'm A Cider Drinker is to be used as a rallying cry for protests over Budget hikes in alcohol duty. A campaign is under way to take the band, known for hits such as Combine Harvester, to the top of the charts to highlight the backlash against Chancellor Alistair Darling's tax increases on cider. Now the scrumpy-loving West Country group pledged to donate profits from sales of their song to charity.

A frustrated customer chained himself to a door inside Dublin's Passport Office until it was guaranteed that he would have travel documents to fly to his brother's wedding in Thailand. Colin Gillick was among hundreds of worried holidaymakers who queued over fears that plans to travel would be ruined by the continuing public sector workers' dispute. Armed with three coats, a flask of tea, sandwiches, radio, books, lamp - and a bicycle chain - Mr Gillick camped in the cold for more than 10 hours overnight before being told his application had not even been checked.

A dog was "rebuilt" by a team of 40 vets, nurses and students after it was hit by a car. Ruby, a three-year-old lurcher, spent five weeks recovering from the accident which left her with two broken legs, a broken sternum, a broken toe, a dislocated knee, ruptured ligaments and internal bleeding into her lungs. Medics at the Queen's Veterinary School Hospital in Cambridge have looked after her since the incident on January 26. They repaired her fractures with four metal plates and screws and also used a skin graft to cover a wound.

A decision to ban police officers from riding mountain bikes unless they have received 10 hours of training was described as "a health and safety doctrine gone too far". Officers in Northampton were given the push bikes to patrol the Parklands area of the town, but it emerged they are sitting idle until constables have been given the necessary training. Councillor Malcolm Mildren, an independent member of Northampton Borough Council, said the police's stance became apparent at a meeting last week for residents in Parklands, which he represents.

Retailers are hoping for a repeat of hit Christmas toy the Go Go Hamster with the release of a "virtual rabbit" companion in time for Easter. The Zhu Zhu Fluffy Bunny shares all the attributes of the battery-powered hamster, including a sensor in its nose that prevents it from bumping into obstacles. The latest "hassle-free pet" makes up to 40 sounds from squeals and squeaks in "adventure" mode or coos and purrs in "nurturing" mode.

A book has been returned to a library 45 years overdue. Stunned librarians in Dinnington, South Yorkshire, could not believe it when they received a package containing a Penguin first edition copy of Quatermass and the Pit, by Nigel Kneale, which was borrowed in September 1965. There was no clue as to who sent the parcel but the long-term borrower need not have worried about the fine as Rotherham Council has a policy of limiting all penalties to £6 a book.

A media company apologised to a potential customer after writing him a letter addressed to "Mr Illegal Immigrant". Virgin Media wrote to 24-year-old Aaron Needham, from Strelley, Nottingham, with details about the company's services. The letter, sent last week, was addressed to "Mr Illegal Immigrant". It continued "Dear Immigrant". A spokeswoman for the firm apologised to Mr Needham.

A 100-year-old woman who moved into a house as a child before the outbreak of the Great War has now lived there for 96 years. Muriel Noyce, then just four, and her family, including 10 brothers and sisters, moved to the tiny two-bedroom terrace in Romsey, Hampshire, in August 1914 - just as war was in the air. Miss Noyce, who never married, said that in those days - as the youngest of her large family - the house was a bit of a squeeze at bedtime and she slept head-to-toe in a double bed with her siblings.

Bomb disposal experts were called out to a remote village when a park warden found what he believed to be a hand grenade in a litter bin. The discovery was made in a park in Linton, Cambridgeshire. Linton Parish Council clerk Sue Parry said the device was actually a smoke grenade. "The village custodian was doing his usual Monday morning litter pick when he found it," she said.

A streaker livened up the proceedings at Crufts. As competitors watched the judging of the Gundog group on the fourth day of the canine showcase, the man ran into the arena at the National Exhibition Centre (NEC) in Birmingham. He was wearing nothing but shoes and socks and a cat-shaped mask covering his modesty with the words "I streak.com" written on his chest. He was quickly escorted from the area.

Devotees of a man claiming to practise a traditional African religion said they had to ingest the mucus of a giant African snail which made them violently ill. Federal authorities raided the Miami man's home after receiving complaints. The man has not been charged, but prosecutors and state and federal wildlife agencies are investigating. The 10in snail is prohibited in the US without special approval as it devastates new ecosystems. The complainants said they became violently ill, losing weight and developing strange lumps in their stomachs.

A 104-year-old actress, the last person alive who knew Thomas Hardy, is performing his work in a bid to save an important collection for future generations in the UK. Norrie Woodhall was cast by Hardy himself as Tess's sister Liza Lu in the stage version of his novel Tess Of The D'Urbervilles. Hardy promptly added some lines to her part when he thought she did not have enough to say. She is treading the boards again to raise money for the Hardy Players Manuscript Fund.

An award-winning female porn director was appointed as a parliamentary hopeful for the Liberal Democrats. Anna Arrowsmith (aka Anna Span), managing director of adult entertainment company Easy on the Eye Productions, will stand for election in Gravesham, Kent. The 38-year-old, who is married and lives with her husband Tim and dogs in Groombridge, near Tunbridge Wells, insisted she was ready to win Tory Adam Holloway's seat at the general election.

WalesOnline - News - Wales News - Guerilla knitter being sort by police Classic headline from the Wales Online team at the Western Mail and Echo in Cardiff. Where are the subs?