The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
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Before I proceed any further, something needs to be cleared up.
And it’s not just this shaving rash that’s been driving me crazy ever since I kissed my Great Aunt Hilda goodbye.
I do wish she’d have an occasional wet shave in the morning instead of using Great Uncle Cledwyn’s clockwork razor.
Now, I’m not one who likes to go over old ground – I prefer to find a public convenience as there’s less chance of being fined – but I need to quickly refer to last week’s main article.
I mentioned the trend that’s gradually taken us over in recent years, of well-established, perfectly adequate words and expressions being cast aside and replaced by new ones that are, at best, pale imitations of the ones they usurped.
At worst, they make my head ache, my temperature rise and my nose run.
No! That’s what a nasty cold does to me. You can understand me getting them confused, I’m sure.
Anyway, in response to the article, hundreds of letters, e-mails, texts and tweets flooded into this newspaper – and I’ll read it out to you now...
Dear Phil.
Read your primo article about new words. Thought it was sick, bro. Beyond awesomity. It made me emo. Total respect!
Yours sincerely,
Lord Reginald Llewellyn-Griffiths-Jones. M.E.P., J.P. & T.F.P.*
*Totally Fictitious Politician.
So, here we are in the first week of February, 2015.
Unless of course you’ve just found this newspaper in July 2019 as you rolled back your carpet to prepare the living room before starting some weekend home decorating. And aren’t you lucky to own a weekend home!
If you have found this under a carpet, perhaps you’d take good care of it, pop it in a large envelope and post it to me c/o this newspaper.
Not the carpet. The article.
Don’t worry about the expense of postage. I’ll see you alright. I’ve got an opticians appointment in June 2019 so I’m bound to have a new pair of glasses.
I’m a newspaper man through and through – in fact I have several pairs of shoes that would let in water if they weren’t lined with them – and I love finding old newspapers under the carpet.
Not just for the news stories, but to scan the TV schedules, to see what people were watching 10 or 20 years ago.
Who remembers the shows we used to enjoy on Saturday nights?
Wonderful programmes like “Casualty”, “Stars In Their Eyes”, and “Match Of The Day”. Ah! They don’t make shows like that anymore.
(“Phil. Obviously you haven’t stayed in on a Saturday night for quite some time!” : Ed)
Finding old ‘papers has become so much of an obsession, I put a newspaper under my living room carpet every day, keep a log of where I’ve hidden it and then go back and pull it out a couple of years later.
The only downside is, my carpet is now raised two feet off the floor.
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TV ads for loans:
TV adverts for loans, they always seem to feature good looking, immaculately-dressed couples who already look very well off to me!
And why are they always holding mugs of tea sat at their kitchen table with their bills all neatly stacked up in a pile, almost like they’ve just ironed them.
It always looks so easy to set up theses 1300%APR loans, 30 seconds on the phone, a few nods, turn to your partner, grin, give the thumbs up and Bob’s your Uncle, debt free!
Not even a whiff of mind numbing “on hold” music, or nine minutes of “your call is in a queue, we know you are waiting?”
Then comes the never ending irrelevant questions, made worse because the person questioning you just doesn’t get your Welsh accent.
“I’d like a loan please”.... “A lawn?” “No, a loan..... not an area of grass”.... “Oh! A LOAN, I see. Can I start by asking you what size shoes you take, sir?” I’ll give up now I think....
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Terry Victor:
This week I met up with an old friend, Terry Victor, to catch up on the gossip.
You may have seen Terry in quite a few movies, including the Oscar-nominated HeddWyn and the BAFTA-winning A Bit of Tom Jones, or on TV his most recent appearance as Moonpig Santa!
He is also the public face behind a pair of the world’s most incredible eyebrows.
Or you may have seen him on a train…
Some 25 years ago, he co-founded Murder on the Menu, the international whodunnit theatre company.
Terry has written (and performed) more murder mysteries on the Orient Express than Agatha Christie could ever have imagined!
He’s written and directed serious work for the stage, too (including the heart-breaking Fragments of Ash), and worked with leading companies like the National Theatre of Wales and Punchdrunk.
Terry is always popping up on Radio Wales and 5Live and it is quite obvious he has a love for life and passionately enjoys everything he does. How many of us can say we love going to work every day?
After out meeting, I’m quite excited about the prospect of working with Terry in the very near future. Watch this space!
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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales
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