The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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RESOLUTION REVOLUTION:

Forget New Year Resolutions. I’ve started 2016 as I start every year - with a clean slate. More about this later . . .
First, let me ask how long it took you to break your first New Year’s Resolution? One day? Two days? Three minutes?
I have never once broken a New Year’s Resolution.
Because every December 31st I make the same New Year’s Resolution - which is . . . not to make any New Year Resolutions.
Oh, I’ve come close to breaking my annual resolution on many occasions.
Over the years I’ve almost given up chocolate, alcohol and popping bubble-wrap during performances of the Welsh National Opera. But thanks to my amazing willpower and strength of character, I’ve never weakened.
Readers, to refrain from making resolutions, you have to rigorously resolve to be rigidly resolute.
When you get down to it, New Year’s Resolutions are just promises you make to yourself after the festive excesses, either to stop some, or all, of your bad habits (drinking, smoking, chewing your nails, chewing someone else’s nails) or to begin something self-improving (dieting, jogging, taking out a gym membership).
But, here’s a tip, never take out a gym membership for your partner, unless you want them to become your ex-partner!
The problem with promises is, they’re such delicate creations.
As Mary Poppins famously said: “Promises are like pie crusts. They’re easily made, easily broken.”
Not that you should take notice of all her wise little sayings.
Someone in her position as a live-in Nanny should know better than to recommend a spoonful of sugar to children to help them swallow their medicine every night before bedtime.
Think what it would do their teeth over the years!
And what if the medicine the child had to take was insulin?
If nothing else, it proves conclusively that Ms Poppins definitely wasn’t practically perfect in every way.
As I said earlier, I start every year with a clean slate.
On the first of January I get the ladder out of the garage, climb up onto my roof with a bucket of soapy water and a sponge, and I give just one of my slates a clean.
There are 204 tiles on my roof and as I’ve only lived in my house for six years, it’s going to take me quite some time to clean them all.
That’s quite a daunting prospect.
You know, on reflection, maybe it might be easier to make the occasional New Year’s Resolution . . .

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Christmas gifts:

Am I the only one who had two pairs of slippers and at least six pairs of socks for Christmas? Probably not.
I don't know how old my aunt thinks I am, but ‘lavender bath cubes’?
Not that I'm ungrateful - but based on recent weather conditions, wellingtons or flippers would have been a bit more useful!
Yes, the weather doesn't seem to be improving much at the moment.
My local chemist informs me that sales of creams and powders for trench foot have gone through the roof, a condition that was common with front line troops during the First and Second World Wars.
I read somewhere this week that sales of marine-ply timber have also increased, leading me to believe that there are people among us already building Arks!
But, look on the bright side, there will be no mention of the hosepipe ban for at least six months.

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Felt strange:

The New Year presented me with a strange feeling of mixed emotions.
On reflection, it was the first New Year's Day in about 15 years that I didn't need to visit a hospital or nursing home to see or tend to a sick relative.
Many of you reading this will relate to the fact that there comes a time when elderly friends and relatives become unwell and spend a great deal of time in homes or hospitals, being tended to by the caring profession.
Our hospitals and nursing homes don't stop during the holidays and despite the challenges and cutbacks currently being faced by these institutions, they still employ many hard-working heroes that give so much love and care to patients and residents.
This is not a job that I’d find easy to do and I believe that it does take a special type of individual to embrace the responsibility that goes with the job.
They have my utmost respect.

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk