The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk


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Get ready:

So, after a relatively mild Autumn, the Meteorological Office have (rather too enthusiastically, it seems to me) predicted that the whole of the United Kingdom will be hit by blinding blizzards, ferocious snow storms and 25ft deep drifts from mid-November in our worst winter for five years.
But, as Jimmy Cricket says, “Ladies and gentlemen . . . there’s more!”
It might keep snowing for 120 days, so there’s every chance we’ll all be buried under the white stuff until February.
Jimmy Cricket didn’t say that. The Met Office did.
So, if the milk in your fridge is running low and your bread bin is looking depleted, pre-empt the rush.
The minute you finish reading this newspaper, nip down to your local shop and buy a small brown loaf, a pound of butter, some tea bags and a large carton of semi-skimmed.
If you eke that lot out ‘ve-ry carefully’, they should see you through to the Spring.
I’m making light of it now, but if the weather forecasters’ prediction turns out to be correct, I’ll end up with egg on my face.
Well, only if I remember to buy a dozen free-range beauties before the snowflakes fall, otherwise the yoke will be on me!
It’s a difficult one this.
After we’ve been told really bad weather might be heading our way, which might result in food shortages because supplies might take longer to reach the shops, ideally we should put on a brave face and adopt the legendary British, ‘We can take it’, stiff-upper lip attitude.
Surely we can survive on the tins and packets in our kitchen cupboards for a few months?
And, in the freezer, there’ll be meat, fish and a half-eaten vegetarian curry which was frozen so long ago we can barely remember when we put it in there . . . or why.
Alternatively, wouldn’t it be sensible to buy a few extra tins of beans, soup and mandarin oranges in syrup, just in case?
As much as I love mandarin oranges in syrup, I really don’t know.
But I will buy some candles and matches, because if we have power cuts this winter, I don’t want to watch TV in the dark!
Should snow start falling so thick and fast that businesses in Swansea and surrounding areas grind to a halt before my next column goes to print, may I be the first to wish you a “Merry Christmas!”

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Edinburgh:

This week’s writing comes to you from the beautiful city of Edinburgh, as I have spent a long weekend visiting one of the friendliest parts of the UK.
The secret to surviving the bitter cold Northern climate at this time of the year is to wear plenty of layers and tuck into lots of haggis, neeps and tatties.
Well, that's what the locals suggest, so who am I to argue?
I hadn’t considered the date when I booked my flight and accommodation, but it soon became clear that November 5th presented us with a spectacularly colourful skyline and wonderfully entertaining bonfire night.
This, again, got me thinking . . . aren't we a strange species?
We are all aware that the country as a whole are facing some big financial challenges and the majority of the population are struggling to make ends meet.
Unemployment is on the increase, yet, last weekend more than £2 billion worth of fireworks went up in smoke.
What are we like?

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The Lady in the Van:

Well, I've never failed to see a production from the Llanelli Little Theatre company that hasn’t left me thinking that these guys should be on the stage in the West End of London.
I've heard a rumour that they are about to pull another gem of a show out of the bag, performing the classic Alan Bennett play “The Lady in the Van” at the Ffwrnes Theatre, Llanelli on Thursday and Friday 24th and 25th November.
The play, which opened at the Queen's Theatre, London in December 1999, starred Maggie Smith. In 2015, the play was turned into a film with Maggie Smith, Alex Jennings, Frances De La Tour and Jim Broadbent in the cast.
In 1974, Alan Bennett encountered Miss Mary Shepherd, an elderly eccentric living in a van in the street near his home in Camden Town.
He eventually allowed her to park her van in his garden, the idea being that she would stay three months - but those three months extended to 15 years and thus provided Alan Bennett with a funny and moving dramatisation of his memoir of Miss Shepherd.
Tickets are available from the box office. See you there!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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