The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post
The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
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“Avoid loud and aggressive persons. They are vexations to the spirit.”
That’s from the poem “Desiderata” by Max Erhmann, which became popular all over the world. And many other places, too.
Bizarrely, the poem became a Top 20 hit in 1971 for Les Crane, who narrated it to a musical accompaniment. Though his version was so sugary, many would have preferred that, rather than being set to music, it had been set on fire.
Bearing in mind that I’m a comedian, you may find it odd that I empathise with Max’s advice. But most comedians are quiet introverts off stage.
Professionally, there are nights when, faced with a persistently rowdy element in an audience, with the help of the comedian’s best friend – a reliable microphone – I adopt a firm tone and make sure they know that their boorish behaviour is spoiling the show for everyone else.
I’ve never understood why people – girls can be as bad as boys – pay to go to a club to see a comedian, then think it’s okay to talk loudly through their act. It isn’t.
You might say they’re simply having fun. But when six or seven people’s idea of ‘fun’ annoys the other 90% of the audience, I have no alternative but to step in.
To date, my method of confronting the noisy element head-on has had a pretty good hit-rate.
I’ve only been hit twice.
When I’m not being funny for money, I tend to keep my voice down and surround myself with quietly-spoken friends and colleagues.
However, I also live in the real world.
Last week, I was in a cafe enjoying a healthy salad, when the person sat opposite me pointed out that my plate of fish and chip was going cold and asked me to stop enjoying his healthy salad.
Three young women were crammed around the next table, none of them further than two feet from each other - they could have conversed in whispers and still understood what they were saying.
Yet all three talked at the tops of their voices from the moment they sat down, discussing the major issues facing the world today: celebrity gossip, soaps, boyfriends, make-up, Fifty Shades....honestly, you should have been there.
You could have had my seat.
As annoying as it was having my eardrums assaulted by their inane chatter, it was fascinating that they felt they could talk so loudly, as if the rest of us simply didn’t exist. If there’s such a condition as people blindness, where sufferers can see everything around them except human beings, they all had it.
I’ve witnessed similar behaviour on trains, as selfish, self-important idiots bellow into their mobiles, oblivious to other passengers.
The popular Swansea comedian Ossie Morris had a catchphrase which echoes my feelings about ‘loud, aggressive persons’...
“Hush! I must ‘ave ‘ush!”
I might have it printed on a tee-shirt and wear it everywhere!
If you see me, give us a shout!
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Oh no, here we go again, the flu jab. Injecting us with germs to fight off germs.
Health officials have now said that this year's seasonal flu vaccine is barely able to protect people from the main strain of flu being spread in the UK. Doctors are being urged to use anti-viral drugs quickly to protect vulnerable patients.
It seems that one of the strains of flu “mutated” this year, so the vaccine will be useless in protecting us from that particular strain.
Ok, this all sounds a bit Dr Who to me, I’ve got visions of lots of mutating flu viruses lining up at passport control, confusing immigration staff because they no longer look like their passport picture. “Hmmm, are you sure this is you, sir?” “Yes, of course it is, it was taken before I mutated”
Bring back traditional cold and flu cures I say, whisky and lemon, Vick’s menthol over a bowl of hot water with a towel over your head, or my favourite.... get yourself off to bed for a week! Hope you all manage to escape the germs!
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Have you heard the news this week that giant super-rats have invaded Swindon? Mutant 20-inch rodents 'closing in' on Wiltshire town and can't be killed with poison, warn pest exterminators
The rodent, found at a food establishment in Swindon, is the largest to have been discovered in the Wiltshire town. It comes after scientists found one species was resistant to traditional poison.
Will they eventually come down the M4 to Wales and get past those tolls?
Could this become an epidemic? With more and more fast food establishments, this problem is only going to get worse. Nearly every drive through now has pest control boxes outside, where will it all end?
The ancient Romans used to eat dormice. In Togo, men go hunting for rats as they eat them there like we eat burgers. The men folk go out hunting for them for tea! Wonder what they make out of them? Ratatouille? Bubble and Squeak? Special Fried Mice?
I’ll stick to beans of toast thanks – and a tin of tuna for my neighbour’s cat that’s doing a fine job of her good old fashioned method of pest control!
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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales
That’s from the poem “Desiderata” by Max Erhmann, which became popular all over the world. And many other places, too.
Bizarrely, the poem became a Top 20 hit in 1971 for Les Crane, who narrated it to a musical accompaniment. Though his version was so sugary, many would have preferred that, rather than being set to music, it had been set on fire.
Bearing in mind that I’m a comedian, you may find it odd that I empathise with Max’s advice. But most comedians are quiet introverts off stage.
Professionally, there are nights when, faced with a persistently rowdy element in an audience, with the help of the comedian’s best friend – a reliable microphone – I adopt a firm tone and make sure they know that their boorish behaviour is spoiling the show for everyone else.
I’ve never understood why people – girls can be as bad as boys – pay to go to a club to see a comedian, then think it’s okay to talk loudly through their act. It isn’t.
You might say they’re simply having fun. But when six or seven people’s idea of ‘fun’ annoys the other 90% of the audience, I have no alternative but to step in.
To date, my method of confronting the noisy element head-on has had a pretty good hit-rate.
I’ve only been hit twice.
When I’m not being funny for money, I tend to keep my voice down and surround myself with quietly-spoken friends and colleagues.
However, I also live in the real world.
Last week, I was in a cafe enjoying a healthy salad, when the person sat opposite me pointed out that my plate of fish and chip was going cold and asked me to stop enjoying his healthy salad.
Three young women were crammed around the next table, none of them further than two feet from each other - they could have conversed in whispers and still understood what they were saying.
Yet all three talked at the tops of their voices from the moment they sat down, discussing the major issues facing the world today: celebrity gossip, soaps, boyfriends, make-up, Fifty Shades....honestly, you should have been there.
You could have had my seat.
As annoying as it was having my eardrums assaulted by their inane chatter, it was fascinating that they felt they could talk so loudly, as if the rest of us simply didn’t exist. If there’s such a condition as people blindness, where sufferers can see everything around them except human beings, they all had it.
I’ve witnessed similar behaviour on trains, as selfish, self-important idiots bellow into their mobiles, oblivious to other passengers.
The popular Swansea comedian Ossie Morris had a catchphrase which echoes my feelings about ‘loud, aggressive persons’...
“Hush! I must ‘ave ‘ush!”
I might have it printed on a tee-shirt and wear it everywhere!
If you see me, give us a shout!
----------------------
Oh no, here we go again, the flu jab. Injecting us with germs to fight off germs.
Health officials have now said that this year's seasonal flu vaccine is barely able to protect people from the main strain of flu being spread in the UK. Doctors are being urged to use anti-viral drugs quickly to protect vulnerable patients.
It seems that one of the strains of flu “mutated” this year, so the vaccine will be useless in protecting us from that particular strain.
Ok, this all sounds a bit Dr Who to me, I’ve got visions of lots of mutating flu viruses lining up at passport control, confusing immigration staff because they no longer look like their passport picture. “Hmmm, are you sure this is you, sir?” “Yes, of course it is, it was taken before I mutated”
Bring back traditional cold and flu cures I say, whisky and lemon, Vick’s menthol over a bowl of hot water with a towel over your head, or my favourite.... get yourself off to bed for a week! Hope you all manage to escape the germs!
-----------------------
Have you heard the news this week that giant super-rats have invaded Swindon? Mutant 20-inch rodents 'closing in' on Wiltshire town and can't be killed with poison, warn pest exterminators
The rodent, found at a food establishment in Swindon, is the largest to have been discovered in the Wiltshire town. It comes after scientists found one species was resistant to traditional poison.
Will they eventually come down the M4 to Wales and get past those tolls?
Could this become an epidemic? With more and more fast food establishments, this problem is only going to get worse. Nearly every drive through now has pest control boxes outside, where will it all end?
The ancient Romans used to eat dormice. In Togo, men go hunting for rats as they eat them there like we eat burgers. The men folk go out hunting for them for tea! Wonder what they make out of them? Ratatouille? Bubble and Squeak? Special Fried Mice?
I’ll stick to beans of toast thanks – and a tin of tuna for my neighbour’s cat that’s doing a fine job of her good old fashioned method of pest control!
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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales
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