The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post
The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post -
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
It was either Archimedes or The Two Ronnies who profoundly remarked, “When a body is immersed in water...and the Radox foam is tickling your chin, the telephone will always ring downstairs.”
That’s why they call cold calls, ‘cold’ calls. Because by the time you’ve climbed out of the bath, wrapped a towel around yourself, walked downstairs to the hall, accidentally dropped the towel and, in so doing, frightened the old lady next door who’d popped-in to borrow a pint of milk, turned around and quickly bent down to pick up the towel and, in so doing, frightened the old man next door, who’d popped-in to find his wife....and answered the ‘phone...you’re flipping freezing!
In fact, any time a cold caller coldly calls you at home, as they tend to do more and more these days, it’s always at an inconvenient moment.
Not that there’s such a thing as a convenient moment for any of us to take an unwanted telephone call from a salesman or woman who’s sat in a cramped cubicle in an office teeming with clones of themselves, all of them frantically dialling random British telephone numbers from the other side of the world and who cavalierly call you by name (how do they find us?) and tell you that their name is Tracy or Nigel although you just know from their thinly-disguised accent that it definitely isn’t their real name, which probably contains so many consonants it could win you 500 points at Scrabble.
Yes, we all get cold calls. Well, those of us with telephones do, either landline or mobile. Mind you, sales people can be so absolutely desperate to make contact with potential clients and relieve them of their hard-earned cash, there may well be such a system in place for non-phone owners as cold-semaphore calls or cold-pigeon carrier calls to make everyone feel inclusive.
Wait a cotton pickin’ moment!
You will not believe this, but it’s absolutely true! Just as I was writing the last line of the previous paragraph, the ‘phone rang.
I answered and within a nano-second, I realised it was a cold call. You just know, don’t you? This time it was a firm of solicitors who wanted to talk to me (yes, they knew my name!) about an accident I’d been involved in two years ago.
When I mentioned that although I hadn’t been involved in an accident two years ago, it was fortuitous they’d called at that particular moment because I was in the middle of writing an article for a major newspaper about cold calling, how much of a damn nuisance they were, how I intended to regularly mention the blight of cold calling in future articles and asked if they could they tell me where they were based and how they got hold of my, unlisted, phone number.
Wouldn’t you know it?
They put the phone down.
Feel free to use the same story next time you get a cold call.
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Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
It was either Archimedes or The Two Ronnies who profoundly remarked, “When a body is immersed in water...and the Radox foam is tickling your chin, the telephone will always ring downstairs.”
That’s why they call cold calls, ‘cold’ calls. Because by the time you’ve climbed out of the bath, wrapped a towel around yourself, walked downstairs to the hall, accidentally dropped the towel and, in so doing, frightened the old lady next door who’d popped-in to borrow a pint of milk, turned around and quickly bent down to pick up the towel and, in so doing, frightened the old man next door, who’d popped-in to find his wife....and answered the ‘phone...you’re flipping freezing!
In fact, any time a cold caller coldly calls you at home, as they tend to do more and more these days, it’s always at an inconvenient moment.
Not that there’s such a thing as a convenient moment for any of us to take an unwanted telephone call from a salesman or woman who’s sat in a cramped cubicle in an office teeming with clones of themselves, all of them frantically dialling random British telephone numbers from the other side of the world and who cavalierly call you by name (how do they find us?) and tell you that their name is Tracy or Nigel although you just know from their thinly-disguised accent that it definitely isn’t their real name, which probably contains so many consonants it could win you 500 points at Scrabble.
Yes, we all get cold calls. Well, those of us with telephones do, either landline or mobile. Mind you, sales people can be so absolutely desperate to make contact with potential clients and relieve them of their hard-earned cash, there may well be such a system in place for non-phone owners as cold-semaphore calls or cold-pigeon carrier calls to make everyone feel inclusive.
Wait a cotton pickin’ moment!
You will not believe this, but it’s absolutely true! Just as I was writing the last line of the previous paragraph, the ‘phone rang.
I answered and within a nano-second, I realised it was a cold call. You just know, don’t you? This time it was a firm of solicitors who wanted to talk to me (yes, they knew my name!) about an accident I’d been involved in two years ago.
When I mentioned that although I hadn’t been involved in an accident two years ago, it was fortuitous they’d called at that particular moment because I was in the middle of writing an article for a major newspaper about cold calling, how much of a damn nuisance they were, how I intended to regularly mention the blight of cold calling in future articles and asked if they could they tell me where they were based and how they got hold of my, unlisted, phone number.
Wouldn’t you know it?
They put the phone down.
Feel free to use the same story next time you get a cold call.
---------------------------------
This week, I spent some time with Paul James, from Neath, who is one of the busiest and hardest working comedians on the circuit.
Paul regularly appears in comedy venues up and down the country and is clearly making a name for himself with a style that delivers slick, side-splittingly funny original one-liners.
In short, gags that many comedians would give their right arms for.
Paul has honed his well structured routines over the past few years by regularly running and hosting the Clowns Pocket comedy venue in Neath.
He was also the founder and drive behind the Neath Comedy Festival which is an event that has been running and growing over the past few years, giving new talent a chance to gain valuable experience, whilst also enticing some already well-established TV comedians to the town and venue.
Many of these established comedians have used the Clowns Pocket to try out and test material prior to performing at other festivals and TV.
Clearly, Paul has entrepreneurial skills which he uses to his advantage and are serving him well.
Over the next year you will have the opportunity of seeing Paul James performing with me on the new Phil Evans and Friends Comedy & Cwtshes shows up and down the country. So keep your eyes peeled for dates.
Paul regularly appears in comedy venues up and down the country and is clearly making a name for himself with a style that delivers slick, side-splittingly funny original one-liners.
In short, gags that many comedians would give their right arms for.
Paul has honed his well structured routines over the past few years by regularly running and hosting the Clowns Pocket comedy venue in Neath.
He was also the founder and drive behind the Neath Comedy Festival which is an event that has been running and growing over the past few years, giving new talent a chance to gain valuable experience, whilst also enticing some already well-established TV comedians to the town and venue.
Many of these established comedians have used the Clowns Pocket to try out and test material prior to performing at other festivals and TV.
Clearly, Paul has entrepreneurial skills which he uses to his advantage and are serving him well.
Over the next year you will have the opportunity of seeing Paul James performing with me on the new Phil Evans and Friends Comedy & Cwtshes shows up and down the country. So keep your eyes peeled for dates.
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It’s the start of September and Christmas parties are already being considered. Oh yes. People are thinking that far ahead.
I have already been approached by businesses with a view to providing a festive comedy night to bring a bit of cheer into their employees lives.
This may sound glamorous and exciting, but pre-Christmas shows are not for the faint hearted.
Often I have taken on the challenge, turned up at a posh hotel and ended up entertaining a room full of well-oiled company employees, half of which are only there as the food and drink is free, the other half have just taken advantage of the fact they can leave the other half at home.
Sometimes they even bring their other half with them.
They are usually the ones looking like they want to go home just after the prawn cocktail is being cleared away.
These occasions can be a challenge. It’s a roller coaster journey that keeps our veins pumped with adrenaline, which can be very addictive. Oh yes. It's not always about the money you know.
So if you are at that office party this year, drunk, and about to be entertained, please spare a thought for the entertainer and give them a fighting chance.
Always remember, a comedian is for life, not just for Christmas.
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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales
It’s the start of September and Christmas parties are already being considered. Oh yes. People are thinking that far ahead.
I have already been approached by businesses with a view to providing a festive comedy night to bring a bit of cheer into their employees lives.
This may sound glamorous and exciting, but pre-Christmas shows are not for the faint hearted.
Often I have taken on the challenge, turned up at a posh hotel and ended up entertaining a room full of well-oiled company employees, half of which are only there as the food and drink is free, the other half have just taken advantage of the fact they can leave the other half at home.
Sometimes they even bring their other half with them.
They are usually the ones looking like they want to go home just after the prawn cocktail is being cleared away.
These occasions can be a challenge. It’s a roller coaster journey that keeps our veins pumped with adrenaline, which can be very addictive. Oh yes. It's not always about the money you know.
So if you are at that office party this year, drunk, and about to be entertained, please spare a thought for the entertainer and give them a fighting chance.
Always remember, a comedian is for life, not just for Christmas.
----------
You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales
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