The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk


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Seeing red at Trafalgar Square traffic lights!

Some weeks it takes ages to find suitably amusing or controversial subjects to undergo the Phil Evans treatment.
Other weeks, I simply recount incidents I’ve witnessed or experienced myself.
Ideas often spring from overhearing a private conversation.
Yes, dear reader, as you know, usually in a coffee shop – for which I accept no blame.
Most coffee shops place their tables ‘soclosetogether’, if four ladies to my immediate right decide to confess past sins or current misdemeanours over a quartet of flat whites, what am I expected to do? Stuff paper napkins in my ears?
Besides, it doesn’t work.
And I always feel a fool later in the day when someone asks the daft question, “Did you know you’ve got paper napkins in your ears?”
Not that I can hear them with paper napkins in my ears.
Then, once in a while, an idea will walk up to me, grab me by the lapels and shout ,“You have to use me!”
In the Trafalgar Square area, Transport For London has replaced 50 perfectly adequate traffic lights on which the ‘green man’ lit up when it was safe for pedestrians to cross, with politically correct, gay-friendly traffic lights.
Instead of a single ‘green man’, the new lights feature two men holding hands or two women holding hands.
The director of Pride, Alison Camps, commented, “These lights are a perfect display of how people live their lives as they want to in a city that recognises each and every one of us for who we are.”
Most cities recognise us for who we are.
Council-tax payers!
I have gay friends and family members. I get on well with gay people I work with. I never judge a person by their sexuality, but by how well (or otherwise) they treat other people.
But gay-friendly traffic lights?
Apparently, they’ve already caused confusion with foreign visitors.
Dads take their sons across the road, leaving their wives behind because they don’t think they’re allowed to cross.
Will single gay men and women crossing the road get upset/jealous seeing two gay people pictured happily holding hands?
To let blind gay people know it’s safe to cross, will the usual ‘beeping’ sounds be replaced by short bursts of “I Am What I Am” and other Broadway show tunes?
And if ever they play “In The Navy”, look up and see if Nelson’s joining in or turning a blind eye to it all.

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Let us try appreciating a bit more!

When was the last time that you called your internet provider to let them know that they are doing a great job and that your connection didn’t go down once this month?
How about your phone company? Gas? Electric? Sounds silly I know!
I would imagine probably never.
We only call them when things go bad.
This is a scary pattern that we have in our lives.
We are constantly complaining when things aren’t good, but never recognising or appreciative when things go well.
Do you know how easily you could make someone’s day by calling them up just to tell them that they are doing a good job and everything is working well?
We could also relate this to work or home life.
Let someone you know or someone that works for you know how much you appreciate their effort . . . for no reason whatsoever.
Tell your significant other how much they mean to you . . . for no reason whatsoever.
Recognise the positive things in your life, and the positive things will recognise you in return.
We all like to feel appreciated; give it a try.
You can thank me later.

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A cwtsh a day keeps the doctor away!

It's official!
A cwtsh from someone can take away your pain better than paracetamol - new scientific research has found.
This has got to be welcome news as in Britain we spend around £500m every year on painkillers - with the same amount again spent by the NHS on more powerful prescription-only medicines.
But it all depends on who the cwtsh is coming from - as a physical sign of warmth from a stranger does not have the same effect.
Scientists believe that this is because we have no feelings towards them - and argue it's the emotional bond we feel towards the person touching us which helps alleviate aches and pains.
The discovery is all centred on the power of the brain to control pain.
I have always been a bit of an ambassador for the good old Welsh cwtsh, especially when the spelling is right. By the way, don't get me started on this one!
I might even campaign for a public holiday in Wales, a national Cwtsh Day!
Well, you know what they say . . . you can only get a Cwtsh in Wales!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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