The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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“THINGS I’VE LEARNT”

People often say to me,“Phil! You’re no spring chicken. What valuable lessons has your long life taught you?”
To which, I reply, “Don’t be so cheeky!” and, “I thought I’d locked that bathroom door!”
So here’s the Top 10 things I’ve learned...
1. Always wear sunglasses in meetings. Everyone will think you are cool . . . and you can have a quick snooze without anyone knowing. But don’t snore in case you wake up everyone else.
2. If your restaurant meal was disgusting and expensive, your waiter should still be tipped. Over on his backside.
3. Never sit at the back of the bus. Or the front. Or the middle. Just don’t take the bus, ever. Because people travel on them. And people chew noisy sweets. And eat crisps. And shout into their phones such intellectual observations as “I’m on the ‘bus!” And worst of all . . . they talk to you. (Shudders) So be warned.
4. Never speak to people in a doctor’s waiting room. They’ll share all their ailments with you, from burst boils to wonky waterworks and bring down your mood for the rest of the day. And that’s just the receptionist. The patients are far worse . . .
5. Never buy snacks and drinks in the cinema. They only do two sizes. “How much?” and “You’re having a laugh!” Instead, take cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off and use the money you’ve saved to put a deposit on a new house . . . buy a car . . . and rent a villa in St. Tropez.
6. Never go food shopping on an empty stomach, because you’ll end up buying enough groceries to feed the Bolivian army for a year. And those boys love shopping!
7. Wear glasses if you get into a fight. They won’t prevent you from being hit, but you’ll clearly see the punches coming . . . and 10,000 stars.
8. Never argue with your boss, even if you know you’re in the right. Bide your time, gradually put more and more laxatives in his morning coffee . . . and lose the key to the men’s room.
9. Never joke in the queue at airport security, unless you have a fetish for cavity searches. And no plans for the next 10 years.
10. If you meet an old female friend who’s put on weight, never ask when the baby’s due. Unless you can take a smack in the mouth without crying.
I bet reading all this nonsense taught you a lesson!

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Elvis:

There is a first for everything and this was certainly the case for me on Saturday.
Who would have thought that Porthcawl would be completely taken over by Elvis tribute acts, impersonators and people from all over the world who just like dressing up for the weekend.
This event may not be to everyone's taste, but fair play to the organisers of this now huge annual success, the popularity is something that would surprise many.
I was a guest of a good friend and was open-minded as to what to expect, therefore a leap of faith was needed and in all fairness the whole occasion was an extremely memorable experience and, at times, extremely funny.
Well, with Elvis look-a-likes coming in all shapes and sizes (Welsh Valleys Elvis and Spanish Elvis were my particular favourites), what would you expect?
If you were there, you will know exactly what I mean. If not, make a note in next year’s diary as this event must be on everyone's bucket list. You can thank me later.

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Local hero:

I just love being around people who have the ability to get things done. The true doers of the world.
One of my local heroes this week is the amazingly enthusiastic Kayleigh Phillips, a shift manager at McDonalds in Cross Hands, who has a huge passion for supporting the Ronald McDonald House Charities.
After three of Kayleigh's friends used RMHC while their children were in hospital, Kayleigh became passionate about raising both awareness and funds for the charity, last year raising more than £3000 and already raising £4000 this year.
The first ever Ronald McDonald house is currently being built in Wales and it will provide free 'home away from home' accommodation for families who have children being treated at the Noah's Ark Children's Hospital and the neo-natal intensive care unit at University Hospital of Wales in Cardiff.
It will cost more than £5.5 million to construct and £25 per night to accommodate one family . . . so every penny counts!
Kayleigh's next fund raising event will be a comedy showcase by Phil Evans and Friends at the Tumble Workingmen’s Club on Saturday October 22.

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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