The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk


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IF YOU HAVEN’T ANY REGRETS, YOU HAVEN’T LIVED

Sinatra’s “New York, New York” is a really stupid song.
Take the line...
“Regrets? I’ve had a few. But then again...too few to mention.”
If they’re too few to mention, Frankie baby, why bother to mention them?
Yes, you’re right. I’m feeling grumpy.
I’ve been wondering whether I’ve always made the right decisions in my life, whilst secretly knowing I haven’t.
Because nobody goes through life without making wrong decisions.
That’s what makes us human.
Well, that and staring out of our front room window on rainy autumn afternoons, jangling the loose change in our pockets while commenting on the shoddy job the neighbours across the road made of trimming their front hedge.
I regret the time I was distracted by a telephone call as I took an iceberg lettuce out of the fridge.
I placed the lettuce on the kitchen table, ran into the hall to take the ‘phone call and 15 minutes later I was horrified to see the iceberg had rolled off the table and fallen onto – and destroyed - my recently-completed, freshly-painted, delicately-constructed model kit of HMS Titanic.
A prime example of history repeating itself - albeit in miniature and in my kitchen, rather than the frozen North Atlantic.
With BHS in the news – and not in a good way - I regret the changes that have occurred in our town centres.
We’ve lost C&A, Blockbusters, Woolworths, Berni Inns, Dolcis, Our Price, Past Times, Barratts . . . and many more. To be replaced in the main by pound shops, charity shops and cash-for-gold shops.
There’s also been a rise in barber shops owned by and catering for young men with hairstyles so severe they look like a deranged sheep-shearer was let loose on them, leaving just a tuft on top . . . out of spite.
When I was a kid, barbers were ‘Brilliantined’ old men in brown overalls containing enough static electricity to power a small village.
Having learned their trade in the army, they only knew one style – and it wasn’t flattering!
But they took great pride in their premises and swept them clean - inside and out - several times a day.
From what I’ve witnessed, today’s young barbers prefer to stand outside their shops, texting and smoking, littering the pavement with cigarette ends and their presence.
Not an ideal way to entice new customers.
I’d promise not to be so grumpy next week . . . but I might regret it.

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Only in Wales:
Following a washout Bank Holiday weekend, where plans of outside activities were again quashed and disappointed children were spotted in every street, town and village across Wales, temperatures soared last weekend and were apparently hotter that abroad!
Only in Wales can you be paddling around in wellies one weekend and swapping them for flip flops the week after!
I suppose we shouldn't complain.
I think the reason we live in a country blessed with such beautiful greenery is mainly due to the regularity of rainfall and constantly changing conditions.
In addition to this so called summer heatwave, I have just read that there will be a water shortage from July onwards.
Therefore, to deal with this challenge, Swansea Council have already decided that the Leisure Centre Baths will shut lanes 5 and 6, just to be on the safe side.

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You can't please all of the people, all of the time!
It's hard to believe that today's column is my 100th attempt at trying to get it right and pleasing everyone.
But, as I get older, I'm more convinced than ever, that pleasing everyone is one hell of a burden to bear and an unhealthy one at that.
I think it's far more important to stand for what you believe in.
So, if you have read my column and followed me from the start, I personally thank you as your loyalty is truly appreciated.
I also know that at times my comments and views have been challenging for many, and that may have been my intention – you never know.
After all, I'm a comedian and doing my job.
Values are often compromised when trying to be all things to all men, therefore being true to oneself leads to a better night’s sleep.
Over the past few weeks, our politicians have worked long and hard to plead with us to vote for them.
Some succeeded, but a few were under-prepared, therefore less convincing.
Could this be down to the fact that they didn't truly believe in what they stood for.
Now, that's something to think about!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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