The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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What’s the greatest gift anyone can give you?
Would a £500,000 yacht, moored in Swansea Marina, float your boat?
Or, perhaps, you’d rather give a Rolex watch the time of day?
There’s something to be said for £100,000 being paid into your bank account. Something like...“Yippee!”
No, the greatest gift we can give anybody is time – although donating a kidney runs a close second.
I’ve noticed BBC One and ITV One are incredibly mean with their time when it comes to ‘opting out’ for ‘The news, travel and weather where you are’ during their breakfast programmes.
They’ll happily repeat the same news stories every 15 minutes, then grudgingly hand over to the regions for the minimum possible time, before repeating the same news stories all over again.
BBC Wales’ three-minute bulletins appear every half-hour and invariably lead with a scare story about the Welsh NHS; include a clip promoting a programme ‘On BBC Wales this evening’; and must feature a sports story accompanied by pointless footage of players running around in tracksuits, training.
BBC Wales is so obsessed with sport, Jason Mohammed could turn a radio broadcast covering Martian spaceships landing in the Mumbles into a debate about the offside rule, without taking a breath.
On ITV’s ‘Good Morning Britain’, at 10-past the hour they break away from important stories like ‘Who’s being killed-off in tonight’s nail-biting episode of Emmerdale?’ or “You can eat lard straight out of the packet while watching Jeremy Kyle and still retain a beach-fit body’ and opt out to the regions - for one measly minute!
ITV Wales bulletins invariably lead with a scare story about the Welsh NHS and must feature a sports story accompanied by pointless footage of players running around in tracksuits, training.
Then there’s a 10-second ad for the company ‘sponsoring’ the weather forecast, which I suspect isn’t ’live’ because the forecaster wears the same outfit she wore on the six o’clock news the previous evening.
Then, it’s “Now back to Ben and Wotsername in London!” for more vital soaps‘n’showbiz news.
It’s all so rushed and rudimentary it’s hardly worth presenter Andrew Jones getting out of bed for his couple of minutes on screen.
Especially when he announces at 10-past eight “We return at five-to-two with the lunchtime news!”
I often feel like ‘phoning ITV Wales to enquire what he does to occupy his time for the next five hours or so....but frankly, I just don’t have the time.

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Cancer warning:
The headline had “bacon” and “cancer” in the same sentence, which I found shocking.
What will I need to give up next?
I decided to call a man that would know, Llanelli’s top personal fitness and health coach, G.I. Joe for some guidance.
Joe informed me that the World Health Organization (WHO) classified processed meat as a Group 1 carcinogen, the same category as tobacco…..
What?
I’ve heard of smoked bacon, but this is getting out of hand!
The risk of lung cancer from smoking increases your relative risk by 2,500%
BUT eating two slices of bacon a day increases your relative risk for colorectal cancer by 18%.
There are many things we use daily that are classed as carcinogens; shampoo, alcohol, diesel fumes but we still use them and don’t bat an eye lid.
As Joe informed me “Enjoy your bacon and enjoy your life”.
So, there you have it.
Everything in moderation, following which, I’m now booked in for the now famous Beach Fit training session next week with Joe.
Well, I might just go and watch....everything in moderation!!

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Blood Moon:
The highlight of last week for me was a Friday night visit to see the screening of a new film, written by a very good friend of mine Alan Wightman, which was shown at the Savoy Theatre in Monmouth.
The film, which is set in the 1980s, is fast becoming a bit of a cult horror movie, already listed in the “13 brilliant spooky movies to watch at Hallloween” on the sofemenine.co.uk website!
Based on a stagecoach full of travellers who become the hostages of two outlaws, everyone soon begins to realise that this is the least of their problems as terror lurks in the woods outside.
I actually jumped out of my seat at least twice during this film; there was popcorn everywhere!
The film is now out on DVD and the reviews that I have read to date are very impressive.
The budget was nowhere near that of the new Bond film, but I’m pleased to report that talks are already underway for another film and, if this happens, I’ll be first in line to get my ticket!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk