The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk
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THE PHIL EVANS GUIDE TO LIFE
No doubt you’re familiar with the saying “With age comes wisdom”, but that’s only the opening line of Oscar Wilde’s epigram.
The second line, containing the subversive wit that Wilde is known for, is rarely quoted.
As someone who appreciated irony - and not just any old irony – the fact that his epigram has been misunderstood for many years would put a great big smile on Oscar’s face.
As he died in 1904, that’d look pretty darned scary...
Here’s the full version...
“With age comes wisdom. But sometimes age comes alone.”
In other words, just because a person has managed to reach an advanced age, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re cleverer, wiser or better-informed than they were at 21.
In fact, at some point through the years they may have gained an ‘A’ level in Advanced Ignorance.
And we all know someone like that, don’t we?
I never blow my own trumpet – not since the neighbours sent the wardens around to stop me practising at three am.
They said I was being anti-social, whereas I thought it was better to practice when everyone was asleep than when they were watching TV.
But I think, as I’ve matured, like a good wine - or depending on whether you’ve seen my act, a ripe cheese – I’ve definitely become a little wiser, having learned lessons from the good and bad things that have happened to me along the way,
So, I thought I’d pass on to you some of pearls of wisdom I’ve learned over 35 years.
Well for the first 20 years, I failed to learn anything.
1)
If you’re not sure if you’re a “Glass Half Full” or “Glass Half Empty” type of person, drink straight from the bottle.
2)
You will always encounter people who might want to put you down. Take no notice of them. Except if they’re a qualified vet.
3)
He who laughs last... should never sit in the front row at one of my comedy nights or it’ll totally ruin my timing.
4)
It’s not an apple a day that keeps the doctor away. It’s his receptionist.
5)
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. And be even more careful when examining the other end.
6)
If you receive an e-mail from an African Prince, promising untold riches if you send him £5000 and it takes you more than three seconds to decide what to do....send him the £5000.
7)
Humans are divided into two types. Thought-ful and Thought-less. And those who are hopeless at maths
8)
Whenever you’re feeling hard done by, depressed or just had a rotten day, take comfort in the fact things could be much worse.
You could be Jeffrey Archer.
9)
If you can’t tell a book by its cover, why do books have covers?
10)
There are three special words that will help you to get through life:
Please.
Thank you.
Sorry.
There is a fourth special word....but that should held in reserve for specific occasions. Like when you bang your thumb with a hammer.
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Election:
Well, it’s all over for another five years.
It is safe to say that I won’t see or hear from any local councillors for at least another four years and six months.
I’ve seen more of my local MP in the last four weeks than I have in the last four years!
I don’t think a day went by in the last month when I didn’t get a knock on the door from a political candidate, or a handful of flyers dropped through my letterbox.
My recycling bag is very overloaded this week. I got more flyers from the Green Party than all of the others put together!
I’m quite disappointed that the SNP didn’t go into a coalition government with any of the other parties, as I was quite looking forward to the opportunity of a joint Welsh Valentine’s Night and Burns night celebration which would have given me the ideal opportunity to wear a Cwtsh T shirt and a kilt at the same time.
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Gym:
Occasionally, I do visit the local gym with a view to keeping reasonably fit and healthy, despite the fact that many of you reading my weekly column think that most of my time is spent in cafes and coffee shops. Now that’s a surprise for so many of you.
Not only do I get fitter in the gym, it’s a surprising source of entertainment.
Young men wearing the latest designer Lycra tights and shorts, spending half the time admiring themselves on the wall to wall mirrors, whilst drinking large quantities of protein shakes, which I’m told helps the body building session.
Ladies, who could be sales assistants in Debenhams cosmetics department, all glammed up – touching up their makeup in-between and during training. No sweat in sight!
I think their eyelashes have more of a work out that they do.
Half an hour later, I see the same group of people drinking coffee and eating cakes in the coffee shop next door. Just don’t ask me how I knew they were in there! I love people watching.
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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk
The second line, containing the subversive wit that Wilde is known for, is rarely quoted.
As someone who appreciated irony - and not just any old irony – the fact that his epigram has been misunderstood for many years would put a great big smile on Oscar’s face.
As he died in 1904, that’d look pretty darned scary...
Here’s the full version...
“With age comes wisdom. But sometimes age comes alone.”
In other words, just because a person has managed to reach an advanced age, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re cleverer, wiser or better-informed than they were at 21.
In fact, at some point through the years they may have gained an ‘A’ level in Advanced Ignorance.
And we all know someone like that, don’t we?
I never blow my own trumpet – not since the neighbours sent the wardens around to stop me practising at three am.
They said I was being anti-social, whereas I thought it was better to practice when everyone was asleep than when they were watching TV.
But I think, as I’ve matured, like a good wine - or depending on whether you’ve seen my act, a ripe cheese – I’ve definitely become a little wiser, having learned lessons from the good and bad things that have happened to me along the way,
So, I thought I’d pass on to you some of pearls of wisdom I’ve learned over 35 years.
Well for the first 20 years, I failed to learn anything.
1)
If you’re not sure if you’re a “Glass Half Full” or “Glass Half Empty” type of person, drink straight from the bottle.
2)
You will always encounter people who might want to put you down. Take no notice of them. Except if they’re a qualified vet.
3)
He who laughs last... should never sit in the front row at one of my comedy nights or it’ll totally ruin my timing.
4)
It’s not an apple a day that keeps the doctor away. It’s his receptionist.
5)
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. And be even more careful when examining the other end.
6)
If you receive an e-mail from an African Prince, promising untold riches if you send him £5000 and it takes you more than three seconds to decide what to do....send him the £5000.
7)
Humans are divided into two types. Thought-ful and Thought-less. And those who are hopeless at maths
8)
Whenever you’re feeling hard done by, depressed or just had a rotten day, take comfort in the fact things could be much worse.
You could be Jeffrey Archer.
9)
If you can’t tell a book by its cover, why do books have covers?
10)
There are three special words that will help you to get through life:
Please.
Thank you.
Sorry.
There is a fourth special word....but that should held in reserve for specific occasions. Like when you bang your thumb with a hammer.
----------------------
Election:
Well, it’s all over for another five years.
It is safe to say that I won’t see or hear from any local councillors for at least another four years and six months.
I’ve seen more of my local MP in the last four weeks than I have in the last four years!
I don’t think a day went by in the last month when I didn’t get a knock on the door from a political candidate, or a handful of flyers dropped through my letterbox.
My recycling bag is very overloaded this week. I got more flyers from the Green Party than all of the others put together!
I’m quite disappointed that the SNP didn’t go into a coalition government with any of the other parties, as I was quite looking forward to the opportunity of a joint Welsh Valentine’s Night and Burns night celebration which would have given me the ideal opportunity to wear a Cwtsh T shirt and a kilt at the same time.
-----------------------
Gym:
Occasionally, I do visit the local gym with a view to keeping reasonably fit and healthy, despite the fact that many of you reading my weekly column think that most of my time is spent in cafes and coffee shops. Now that’s a surprise for so many of you.
Not only do I get fitter in the gym, it’s a surprising source of entertainment.
Young men wearing the latest designer Lycra tights and shorts, spending half the time admiring themselves on the wall to wall mirrors, whilst drinking large quantities of protein shakes, which I’m told helps the body building session.
Ladies, who could be sales assistants in Debenhams cosmetics department, all glammed up – touching up their makeup in-between and during training. No sweat in sight!
I think their eyelashes have more of a work out that they do.
Half an hour later, I see the same group of people drinking coffee and eating cakes in the coffee shop next door. Just don’t ask me how I knew they were in there! I love people watching.
----------------------
You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk
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