The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.

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In a newspaper I was reading at the barber’s shop recently (I didn’t need a haircut – it was a cold day, his salon is warm and I’m too mean to buy a paper), I read that in 100 years’ time, due to a variety of reasons, including the slow eradication of local dialects, an ageing population, immigration and emigration, 90% of the words we use in 2015 will have become obsolete.
It made worrying reading.
Until I realised I probably won’t be around in 100 years.
And then another realisation hit me. And it was a big one, so it left me with a nasty bruise. Word obsolescence has already started.
You may not be aware of it because it’s happened so gradually, but words, sentences, phrases and questions once in common use, have begun to fall by the wayside and there’s little likelihood that the next generation will bother to retrieve them from the forgotten grass verges of the recent past, where they’re already starting to be hidden from view by the thick overgrowth of indifference.
Still with me?
Take the word ‘Cheers!’.
There was a time when there were only two occasions when we used it. Either when referring to the long-running American sitcom of that title, set in the Boston bar where everybody knows your name, or when we raised a glass of whatever we fancied in company.
We’d clink glasses, say “Cheers” and when we’d finished, we’d order more drinks and say “Cheers” again.
After three or four drinks, it sounded more like “Cheese!” but that’s irrelevant – another word you couldn’t pronounce after three or four drinks.
Then 20 years or so ago, “Cheers” snuck under the barbed-wire of pub ‘life and escaped into the everyday world. It began to replace the words “Thank you” or “Thanks” in our conversations.
“Do you want mushy peas with your chips?”
“Yeah, cheers!”
You can see what I’m getting at now, can’t you?
There are hundreds of examples but I’m limited to 500 words, so here’s one that’s really annoyed me in recent years.
When I entered a shop, bank, fast food establishment or nudist colony (just checking you were still awake) I would be greeted thus...
“Can I help you?”
A polite enquiry which requires just one answer.
The equally polite “Yes, please!”
So why is it, everywhere I go today, it’s been replaced by the cold, indifferent question “Are you alright there?”
How has it seeped into every area of retail and banking? Did the Health and Safety Executive issue a secret edict, ordering shop assistants and banking staff not to say “ Can I help you?” in case...shock, horror...it turns out they can’t?
So they replaced it with a question that doesn’t commit staff to actually helping customers.
Next time a shop assistant asks “Are you alright there?”, I’ll answer. “Here? No. I’ll be more comfortable moving three feet to the right!”
Stupid? Yes. But not as stupid as the question!

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The highlight of last week for me was performing my Phil Evans and friends, Love and Laughter show at the Lyric Theatre Carmarthen.
The Lyric is a spectacular old theatre full of character and seems to have a magical feel about it. It is run by very dedicated and well organised staff that could not do enough to help us, which made our night even more special.
A show like this is nothing without its audience and we discovered that some of them had travelled from Neath, Swansea, Llanelli, Pembroke and even as far as Cambridge, which clearly demonstrates to us that people do love live entertainment.
Theatres are suffering due to the drop in numbers of people actually going out to watch live entertainment, but I urge you to get out there and support the vast range of talent that is waiting to entertain you, or we are in danger of these wonderful venues closing for good.
Go on, make 2015 your year to support local clubs and theatres. I bet you will enjoy it more than you would ever have imagined.

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There I was, minding my own business, when I get an email from Mr Ahmed al-Sultan, a banker from Abu Dhabi.
It turns out that a certain ‘Mr Stone’ made a sizeable deposit in his bank back in 1999 and ‘Mr Stone’ has subsequently died in an air crash. Tragic.
Somehow, through the law of attraction, Mr al-Sultan, has chosen me to be the sole beneficiary of his estate. I wonder why he chose me? I’d never met the man! Maybe he’d come to one of my shows and had such a good night, he wrote me into his will?
If I go a bit quiet in the next few weeks, I’ll probably be on a beach somewhere hot and sunny, you’re all welcome to join me, just bring your own beach towel and knotted hankie.
I’m just waiting for Mr Ahmed al-Sultan to get back to me.
I gave him my bank details to book my flight but he seems to have gone a bit quiet....

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales