The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post - 

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.


What’s the famous quotation? Time flies like a banana?
Hang on! That can’t be correct (cue a ‘time out’ on the laptop while I consult the worldwide interweb thingy).
OK, I confess ‘Time flies like a banana’ doesn’t stand up to any sort of scrutiny, but it does sound like the sort of thing everyone’s ‘Uncle Dai’ might say.
The actual phrase is something along the lines of –
‘Time flies like an arrow.
“Fruit flies like a banana.”
The author? Well, according to some sources, the late, great Groucho Marx.
But why should I be wrestling with ‘time’ this week.
The answer’s simple: I’m just back from Toronto in Canada, five hours time difference from good old British Summer Time.
Travelling west out over the Atlantic is never really a problem – play it sensibly (in other words, avoid overdoing the alcohol on the plane) and you are rewarded with a few bonus hours in your day.
The return journey east, however, is a different story. Even if you get a few hours kip on the ‘red-eye’, you end up with that weird sense of dislocation and a numbing sense of tiredness which borders on painful.
A good laugh, a beer, a ‘cwtsh’ and a long sleep cure most things. But, this time, around, even my favourite remedy of a ‘cwtsh’ has failed in the battle to beat the jet lag.
It is at times like that that I wish I could borrow Peter Capaldi’s Dr Who Tardis Time Machine.
I’m tempted to also wish that the Star Trek ‘transporter’ was fact and not fiction. ‘Beam me up, Scotty,’ would have been a nice way to make the transatlantic hop.
Time (and its wicked ally ‘Timing’) is everything to a working comedian.
If I’m not coming from a comedy gig, I am planning the next one – and getting there on time is the first part of getting it right in any funnyman’s book.
Fortunately, I am at that awkward age (between 16 and 70) when a weak bladder means that early starts are not usually a problem.
One of my regular early morning starts is the weekly Business Network International BNI Llanelli chapter meeting held at The Diplomat Hotel in Llanelli.
Some members of the BNI group struggle with the 7am start – and many occasionally loose the battle with time and the alarm clock.
As I grow older, I become more convinced that time is speeding up.
Why is it that, when you reach the later stages of life, the things you enjoy most seem to be over so quickly?
Why is it that my memory tells me that the old six weeks of summer holidays used to drag when I was child?
Not so today; now every month seems to pass like a weekend.
Abraham Lincoln once remarked that ‘the best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time’.
While another of my favourite quotes is from a chap called Bill Keane, who remarked, ‘yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.”
Wise words, but that didn’t stop me trying to hold up time when I attended The Million Dollar Round Table being staged at the massive Toronto Convention Centre.
Did it work (see picture)? Well, the clock is ticking on that one!


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Delivering a speech, presentation or a comedy act can be compared to a downhill skier standing at the top of a dangerous slope. You can chicken out and take the ski-lift back to safety or tip yourself forward and set off. Once you take the second option, there is no way back.
Delivering my talk to more than 1000 delegates at The Million Dollar Round Table seminar at Toronto Convention Centre had an added edge as the performance was being translated for a truly international audience.
Cantonese, Hebrew, Korean, Lithuanian . . . were just a few of the languages being used. The translators had the benefit of a rehearsed script, but there were a few moments when I went ‘off piste’ – and that led to the strange sensation of some members of the audience laughing at inappropriate moments.
Still, it was fun – and for a comedian that makes it all worthwhile!

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It could be the cue for a new joke – why did the moose cross the road?
Well, I haven’t thought of the punchline yet, but, yes, I did happen to be caught in a traffic jam in Canada – caused by a moose crossing the road!
It happened when I was out and about being entertained by Welsh expat Martin Rees, a banking expert who has all the connections you need in Canada’s thriving Welsh community.
Unable to think of a punchline ‘on the hoof’, so to speak, I will have to take a ‘reindeer check’ on the missing punchline.
Last week, I showed you a picture of a wonderful Canadian number plate. Myfanwy1. Here’s another plate I spotted on my Canada trip – 1 Boyo.
Just the job, I reckon!


You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales

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