The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk


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We all make mistakes.
Yes, we all make mistakes, as the short-sighted Dalek said when he tried to get fresh with a dustbin.
Even I’ve been known to do or say the wrong thing at an inopportune moment.
Knickers!
I’ve just done it again.
I often make the mistake of watching a trailer for a new film which looks interesting, then, when I return to the multiplex the following week to hand over my hard-earned, it turns out to be two hours of bombastic, ear-splittingly loud, intelligence-insulting nonsense.
Although I should know better, I’ll probably keep being suckered-in by brilliantly-edited trailers for the rest of my life. Because that’s what brilliantly-edited trailers do.
If I‘m in a strange town at lunchtime and I see two restaurants next to each other, the one I decide to eat in is invariably the worst choice - even if I’ve stood outside for an hour looking at both their menus, carefully deliberating.
(By the way, deliberating is allowed in most towns between 9.00 a.m. and 4.00 p.m. as long as you do it carefully.)
I realise I’ve made the wrong dining decision as I wait in vain to be served and it becomes apparent that the owners have taken the day off and left the running of the place to the species scientists call ‘Celebritus Obsessivus Non-Stoppus Gossipus‘ - ‘Saturday Girls’.
Too timid to venture out from behind the counter alone to take an order, these unfortunates huddle together for safety . . . and to discuss which club they intend getting legless in that evening.
I’m thinking of setting up a fund for such poor souls.
Some mistakes only involve myself. Others have repercussions on the rest of humanity - otherwise known as the population of Carmarthen.
I recently made a mistake that affected someone else in a busy car park where I could only find one space big enough for a car as long as mine.
When I returned later, the car park was almost empty and I found a note on my windscreen complaining that I had parked so close to the car behind mine that the lady owner couldn’t open her boot.
Her handwriting was neat and controlled but she was obviously annoyed because she called me a four-letter word that starts and ends with ‘T’ and rhymes with ‘Hit’.
Even though I hadn’t done it deliberately I took her admonishment on the chin because I can be very annoying at times.
Make no mistake about that!

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Hoggin’ the Bridge 2015:
Last Sunday saw another successful charity fundraising event with a difference which started at Aust Services and ended at the Chepstow Racecourse.
This amazingly well-organised and attended annual charity gets together and attracts close to 4000 motorbikes and riders.
One man describes this as a “motorcycle museum on the move”, which, to me, sums up this unique event perfectly.
The public turn out to line the streets in their thousands, providing support and donations as the bikes make their way through local towns and villages.
The bikers end up at Chepstow Racecourse where there is time to chill out with food, drink and entertainment.
In 2014, more than £13,000 was raised for the benefit of many local charities.
Bikers often get so much bad press, but they have huge hearts and an amazing knack of pulling together to making events such as Hoggin’ the Bridge so spectacular and worthwhile.
Let’s hope they can top last year’s donations so many charities will benefit from this great event.

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Dolly Parton and Kidney Stones:
Rumours started that she had stomach cancer – I hate it when that happens.
It has been reported this week that Dolly is doing well after being diagnosed with kidney stones and already out of her hospital bed and honouring commitments, despite the fact that she is still recovering from this very painful procedure.
I can sympathise wholeheartedly with her, having been a sufferer of kidney stones myself over the years.
Thank God for morphine is all I can say.
On one occasion, I even had a morphine injection before going on stage to perform as the kidney stone pain was so excruciating.
Rumour has it that I did a great performance that night, not that I could remember much about it as the medication worked so well!
As a hard-working comedian I felt it was my duty to keep going like a real trooper, but as Dolly is estimated to be worth £325 million and counting, I’d have cwtshed up in bed a bit longer if I was her!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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