The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk


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TIPPLE THREAT?
Do you always wake up feeling bright-eyed & bushy-tailed?
Do you have perfect teeth, excellent hearing and 20/20 vision?
Was your last visit to the doctors so long ago, your mother accompanied you and the cure for your ailment was a bottle of castor oil?
If you’ve answered ‘Yes’ to all of the above, then long may you stay in such rude health.
Meanwhile, here’s some medical advice to everyone else - never read the Health Section of your newspaper!
Otherwise, you’ll convince yourself you’ve developed the symptoms of every medical condition they mention and you’ll take their advice to do more exercise, live on brown rice and prune juice and cut down on alcohol.
My doctor once memorably declared, “Everything in moderation!”
. . . just before he passed out from downing 18 whiskies, three bottles of Merlot and an absinthe chaser.
You could have heard a pin drop in that waiting room!
It’s impossible to walk down a street today and not encounter someone who obviously eats too much junk and takes no exercise.
I saw a woman yesterday whose backside was so gigantically enormous she could sit down anywhere she liked . . . without requiring a chair.
The trouble is, Government Health Advisers keep moving the goalposts.
(Why they’re allowed into football stadiums to ruin matches I have no idea!)
They tell us to eat ‘five pieces of fruit’ a day, but they’ve never explained if a ‘piece’ is a whole apple, half a grapefruit or a slice of lemon in your G and T.
Recently, it was revealed those ‘five pieces’ were simply plucked out of the air.
They could have said eat ‘three’, ‘seven’ or even ‘25’ pieces – although that number might make me suspect the research was sponsored by Fyffes . . . or Granny Smith.
As for the recommended ‘safe units’ of alcohol we’ve been advised to stick to, last week during a TV discussion ‘”Do The Over 60s Drink Too Much?” a scientist let slip that those ‘safe units’ were just randomly chosen measures.
Anyone over 60 who’s contributed to this country through hard work and paying taxes, deserves to enjoy a glass or two of vino in the evening without some killjoy pointing a bony finger at them to induce a feeling of guilt.
If you’re in that age group, I’d advise you to point your finger (make it the middle one) right back at the researcher...in a vertical position.
And pour yourself another glass!

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Cwtsh – V – Cwtch:
The Cwtsh versus Cwtch debate continues.
How do you spell Cwtsh?
Well let me enlighten you.
It’s sh not ch.
Trust me, I’ve done my research on this and the evidence is conclusive.
You know how you pronounce bach in Welsh?
Well that's how "ch" is always pronounced in Welsh.
Now try saying ‘cwtch’ . . .
I rest my case!
Over the years, I have researched and consulted with people who are considered well-versed on the subject.
I urge you to carry out your own research and then consider the source carefully.
The way I think of the word 'cwtsh' is quite simple.
I split it: cwt-shhh.
Like something soft and quiet.
Same as the word Welsh.
Wel sssh.
Not Welch.
So there you have it, it is cwtsh.
If you are still going to insist on the English spelling ‘cwtch’, you surely need to replace the w (not a vowel in English) with a U.
Also if you spell it 'cwtch' you are making it English – and you can only get a cwtsh in Wales . . .
Just sayin’ . . .

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Litter:
Why is it in this day and age, people continue to drop litter without a care in the world or without consideration to others?
Recently, I watched a football match in my home town of Ammanford, a place where the locals are blessed with a beautiful big recreation ground that facilitates several football pitches and a cricket pitch.
And yet, when the players and spectators leave, there are huge amounts of crisp packets, pop bottles and empty cans strewn across the field.
A few more strategically-placed bins wouldn’t go amiss either – as there seems to be only one bin in the whole area!
Why is this happening?
Do we not care enough about the environment anymore?
Are we oblivious to it all?
Or is it just the fact that we are too lazy and it is someone else’s job to pick it all up.
Let’s start taking responsibility for our own mess, each and every one of us.
Don’t even get me started on a whole bag of rubbish being launched out of a car window from a certain fast food chain...McDisgusting!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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