The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.

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Six months ago I loaned a friend £5,000 to have plastic surgery and I’ve been unable to get my money back. The operation was so successful, I have no idea what he looks like.
Many glamour models fade from view as they get older, but former model and weightlifter Jodie Marsh is the host of a new American TV series that features people who’ve had disastrous plastic surgery. That’s quite an achievement, so I take my hat off to Jodie. After all, she’s taken much more off for me in the past.
The first recorded case of reconstructive surgery dates back to Ancient Egypt, which is surprising when you consider that The Sphinx has badly needed a nose job for centuries.
The first plastic surgery as we know it, was carried out by an American surgeon in 1927 to cure a cleft palate. Since then it’s saved the looks and mental well-being of thousands upon thousands of people who’ve been ill, badly injured, burned or born with a facial disfigurement.
Today, thanks to the proliferation of celebrities – i.e. anyone who’s stood in front of a TV camera for more than two minutes- having boob jobs, nose jobs, neck jobs etc., ( all of which cost big money, so they’re not bob-a-jobs), plastic surgery is so common with the general public, it’s almost treated like a visit to the dentist.
As I hate visiting the dentist – unless he invites me to tea - I won’t be having any bodily enhancement. Even though some ladies have commented I could do with an extra inch or two . . . on my biceps!
Because all surgical procedures have in-built risks and can be traumatic for the patient, I don’t understand why anyone would want to go under the knife voluntarily for the sake of vanity.
Most of us don’t look like Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.
For example, Mrs. Betty Williams-Pryce, our local postmistress, doesn’t resemble either of them. But we do the best we can with what we’ve got . . . without resorting to plastic surgery.
There was a time when the only people who felt compelled to (and could afford to) undergo plastic surgery voluntarily were Hollywood film stars, anxious to hang on to their perfect looks and prolong their careers.
Eventually, at some point they were forced to bow to the fact that even with face-lifts and wigs, the public would no longer accept them as a dashing leading men or glamorous leading women.
I can relate to that.
I no longer get offered the tousle-haired, debonair young man parts that Hugh Grant has rejected. Hard to believe I know.
When their tucks become un-tucked, former matinee idols move into character parts – wise old mentors, crooked politicians etc - until the day they swap the six am make-up chair for an all-day rocking chair on the porch of their ranch, where they reminisce about all the gorgeous leading ladies they seduced when they were young, virile and impossibly handsome.
Yes, you’re right. I can’t relate to that.

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You may have heard that I have been persuaded to do a one off show.
PHIL EVANS EXPOSED!
The pressure has been on for some time to put on a one off show where I get to be interrogated by fellow comedian and broadcaster Daniel Glyn.
It’s finally going to happen, at the Best Western Diplomat Hotel Llanelli on Saturday 1st Nov 2014. Is Llanelli ready for this?
This is something that I have been trying to avoid for a few years now, but the excuses have finally run out, no longer can I say I’m washing my hair tonight, I’ve got to go to Tesco’s to do the shopping, my hamster is ill..... I can’t avoid it any longer, so here it is.
The show will be an opportunity for followers to see, hear and partake in the questioning and interrogation of my journey from birth to the current day.
There will be highs and lows... let’s face it, anything could happen!
This promises to be a memorable evening of amusing anecdotes, funny stories and an insight into the world of the ‘Cwtsh’ and how it all came about.
Trust me, it’ll be fun.

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It is the second week of October, the nights are drawing in and winter is around that corner. How did that happen?
I'm still wearing my Hawaiian shorts, my beige socks and sandals firmly in place and I’m firing up the barbecue. This can't be right. Summer is over already? This year seems to have flown and the shops already filling up with Christmas stock.
They say that with age comes wisdom, but doesn’t time also seem to go so much quicker the older you get?
I bet we all started off the year full of good intentions. The New Year’s resolutions went out the window in the second week of January and now, in a few months time, we do it all over again. Now that's a scary thought.
But, personally, my main concern is this.
Has anybody been out and checked if we have enough grit for the whole inch of snow that will grind the country to a halt this winter?
Some of us need to keep moving you know, people to see, places to be.... the life of a comedian never has time to stop for the weather!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales