Quotes May 24
"This is a serious allegation. I fear you may be right. This is a British tradition that must not be lost. If I were running for office again, I'd make it a major part of any platform" - Tony Blair on being told it was impossible to buy a decent cup of tea in London any more.
"I am flattered by the shoulders, slightly worried by the nose and a bit concerned that my colleagues in the House of Commons might acquire it so they can throw things at it" - Former Home Secretary David Blunkett admiring, by touch, a new bronze of himself.
"If we called April May, and May April, the weather was absolutely seasonal. All we really need do to cope with climate change is alter the names of the month or rearrange them" - Best-selling author Frederick Forsyth.
"He has already been seen wearing a pair of crumpled beige chinos and an open-neck shirt. I think it's safe to say that he will be having a buzz cut, before being snapped grooving on down at a Justin Timberlake concert by the time the week is out. If that doesn't win over the British public, nothing will" - Camp entertainer Julian Clary predicts a Gordon Brown make-over.
"It is very rare in this world that women age gracefully now and I would like to think that I will do it well" - Stella McCartney.
"Fame is a vapour, popularity an accident and riches take wings. Only one thing endures and that is character" - Sign on the dressing-room door of actor Michael Sheen.
"I am only wanted by directors for the image I give off, and it makes me angry. I always wanted to be an actor, not a beauty pageant winner" - Jude Law.
"The Conservatives are dumping the grammars. Excuse my grammar, but I am dumping the Conservatives" - Sandra Parsons, of Keston, Kent, in a letter to the Daily Mail.
"I am flattered by the shoulders, slightly worried by the nose and a bit concerned that my colleagues in the House of Commons might acquire it so they can throw things at it" - Former Home Secretary David Blunkett admiring, by touch, a new bronze of himself.
"If we called April May, and May April, the weather was absolutely seasonal. All we really need do to cope with climate change is alter the names of the month or rearrange them" - Best-selling author Frederick Forsyth.
"He has already been seen wearing a pair of crumpled beige chinos and an open-neck shirt. I think it's safe to say that he will be having a buzz cut, before being snapped grooving on down at a Justin Timberlake concert by the time the week is out. If that doesn't win over the British public, nothing will" - Camp entertainer Julian Clary predicts a Gordon Brown make-over.
"It is very rare in this world that women age gracefully now and I would like to think that I will do it well" - Stella McCartney.
"Fame is a vapour, popularity an accident and riches take wings. Only one thing endures and that is character" - Sign on the dressing-room door of actor Michael Sheen.
"I am only wanted by directors for the image I give off, and it makes me angry. I always wanted to be an actor, not a beauty pageant winner" - Jude Law.
"The Conservatives are dumping the grammars. Excuse my grammar, but I am dumping the Conservatives" - Sandra Parsons, of Keston, Kent, in a letter to the Daily Mail.
"Person without ticket will be persecuted" - Warning notice on a tram in Prague.
"Those who climb highest on the money ladder will probably use it to buy educational advantage for their children, thus perpetuating the age-old divisions we pretend to deplore" - Veteran broadcaster Joan Bakewell.
"Just hang around Madame Tussauds and wait for the Americans to show up" - Entertainer Graham Norton, in his role as an agony aunt, offering advice to a man who likes large ladies.
"I am sorry officer. I got lost when I was looking for a brothel" - A tetraplegic man in an invalid chair, stopped by the police for speeding down a Spanish motorway.
"I've studied Mandarin. It's an orange" - Paul Merton on a fact-finding visit to Beijing.
"I never think about how much I spend on clothes. The old saying goes that if you have to ask how much it costs, you cannot afford it. And it's true" - Hugh Hefner, the so-called Mr Playboy, who has 35 custom-made Armani suits.
"Swapping bodily fluids with a bunch of strangers or even friends has never been my idea of fun" - Carole Caplin, Cherie Blair's one-time lifestyle guru.
"Maybe I'll blackmail designers into paying me to not wear their clothes. A ransom note. Give me the money, or I'll wear your custard-yellow ensemble in public" - Ronni Ancona.
"What is hard to explain is why, when disaster looms, ministers usually prefer to gallop on into the valley of political death rather than turn round" - Former Tory Cabinet minister Michael Portillo.
"Rather than learning about cars I would prefer that my son brushes up on his Voltaire. That way lots of dizzy socialist women will want to sleep with him" - Jeremy Clarkson.
"I'm surprised to hear about Jose Mourinho losing his pet Yorkshire terrier. Wouldn't you think with all his managerial experience he'd be able to hold on to a lead?" - TV's Eammon Holmes.
"This very month has seen the celebration of the 300th anniversary of the uniting of the Kingdoms and the union of the parliaments, while at the same time an election in Scotland has rattled the timbers of the concept of the Union" - The Duke of York.
"My singing is not unlike the mating call of a rutting stag" - Actor Johnny Depp.
"I am drawn to the Discovery Channel - I call it the Hitler Channel. I've seen The World At War 5,000 times" - Ozzy Osbourne.
"Madonna is, I understand, a supporter of something called the Kabbalah Centre - which turns out to be concerned with magic stones, not, as I first imagined, a toasted sandwich" - Labour peer Lord Hattersley.
"I like Mother Theresa, but I think she could have picked better shoes" - Joan Rivers when asked who her heroes were.
"I called her up and said, 'Fergie, this is Fergie. You are naughty, naughty, naughty for using my name. I can't have you on London Bridge, wearing a tiara and calling yourself Fergie"' - The Duchess of York, nee Sarah Ferguson, complains to the American singer born Stacey Ann Ferguson, who also calls herself "Fergie".
"If I catch a tax inspector measuring my flowerbeds, I'll hire a flame-thrower and reduce my precious garden to dust. If I can't keep my garden without having to pay an unfair tax on it, nobody else shall have it" - TV's Esther Rantzen on threats of a new tax on gardens.
"Very bored" - Trade and Industry Secretary Alistair Darling when asked what it felt like to be voted Britain's most boring politician.
"I passed an artificial nail salon and saw a notice advertising, 'Trainee Nails, �10'. I take it that these are nails which are not yet up to scratch" - S D Dowling, of Preston, in a letter to The Independent.
"There will never be another Prescott. When John was born they broke the mould and dropped it down the well" - Playwright and commentator Keith Waterhouse.
"The only time they switch on the TV is to see themselves being interviewed, so no wonder they think it's so bloody awful" - Award-winning film-maker Richard Curtis attacks MPs.
"Those who climb highest on the money ladder will probably use it to buy educational advantage for their children, thus perpetuating the age-old divisions we pretend to deplore" - Veteran broadcaster Joan Bakewell.
"Just hang around Madame Tussauds and wait for the Americans to show up" - Entertainer Graham Norton, in his role as an agony aunt, offering advice to a man who likes large ladies.
"I am sorry officer. I got lost when I was looking for a brothel" - A tetraplegic man in an invalid chair, stopped by the police for speeding down a Spanish motorway.
"I've studied Mandarin. It's an orange" - Paul Merton on a fact-finding visit to Beijing.
"I never think about how much I spend on clothes. The old saying goes that if you have to ask how much it costs, you cannot afford it. And it's true" - Hugh Hefner, the so-called Mr Playboy, who has 35 custom-made Armani suits.
"Swapping bodily fluids with a bunch of strangers or even friends has never been my idea of fun" - Carole Caplin, Cherie Blair's one-time lifestyle guru.
"Maybe I'll blackmail designers into paying me to not wear their clothes. A ransom note. Give me the money, or I'll wear your custard-yellow ensemble in public" - Ronni Ancona.
"What is hard to explain is why, when disaster looms, ministers usually prefer to gallop on into the valley of political death rather than turn round" - Former Tory Cabinet minister Michael Portillo.
"Rather than learning about cars I would prefer that my son brushes up on his Voltaire. That way lots of dizzy socialist women will want to sleep with him" - Jeremy Clarkson.
"I'm surprised to hear about Jose Mourinho losing his pet Yorkshire terrier. Wouldn't you think with all his managerial experience he'd be able to hold on to a lead?" - TV's Eammon Holmes.
"This very month has seen the celebration of the 300th anniversary of the uniting of the Kingdoms and the union of the parliaments, while at the same time an election in Scotland has rattled the timbers of the concept of the Union" - The Duke of York.
"My singing is not unlike the mating call of a rutting stag" - Actor Johnny Depp.
"I am drawn to the Discovery Channel - I call it the Hitler Channel. I've seen The World At War 5,000 times" - Ozzy Osbourne.
"Madonna is, I understand, a supporter of something called the Kabbalah Centre - which turns out to be concerned with magic stones, not, as I first imagined, a toasted sandwich" - Labour peer Lord Hattersley.
"I like Mother Theresa, but I think she could have picked better shoes" - Joan Rivers when asked who her heroes were.
"I called her up and said, 'Fergie, this is Fergie. You are naughty, naughty, naughty for using my name. I can't have you on London Bridge, wearing a tiara and calling yourself Fergie"' - The Duchess of York, nee Sarah Ferguson, complains to the American singer born Stacey Ann Ferguson, who also calls herself "Fergie".
"If I catch a tax inspector measuring my flowerbeds, I'll hire a flame-thrower and reduce my precious garden to dust. If I can't keep my garden without having to pay an unfair tax on it, nobody else shall have it" - TV's Esther Rantzen on threats of a new tax on gardens.
"Very bored" - Trade and Industry Secretary Alistair Darling when asked what it felt like to be voted Britain's most boring politician.
"I passed an artificial nail salon and saw a notice advertising, 'Trainee Nails, �10'. I take it that these are nails which are not yet up to scratch" - S D Dowling, of Preston, in a letter to The Independent.
"There will never be another Prescott. When John was born they broke the mould and dropped it down the well" - Playwright and commentator Keith Waterhouse.
"The only time they switch on the TV is to see themselves being interviewed, so no wonder they think it's so bloody awful" - Award-winning film-maker Richard Curtis attacks MPs.
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