South Wales Evening Post column, November 15, 2024

 A WISE man once declared, “You can live to be a 100 if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a 100.”

OK, I’ll pause there, as it wasn’t a very wise man. It was film director Woody Allen who said it – and he doesn’t get into the Top Three of Wise Men in my book.

But . . . that doesn’t mean I don’t agree with the essence of what he said, particularly as I am now in the ‘pensionable age’ bracket.

You name it, and I’ve got it – free bus pass, senior railway card, a stent in the ticker, a multi-tiered pillbox for all my medicines, dodgy knees and arthritis in the ankles.

With the discounted travel cards, I could hatch an escape plan, but I suspect the legs would let me down and I wouldn’t get very far.

Sometimes, I think the travel option may be over-rated as the world seems to come to me, via unsolicited mail and publicity flyers through the letterbox and unwanted emails through the electronic inbox.

For example, this week started badly with two flyers. The first suggested I take up the offer of an ‘open day’ visit to a nearby old people’s home. The second was a prompt to enrol with Pure Cremation, ‘the UK’s favourite funeral plan’. Other plans, are, of course available, but I still don’t understand how anyone can have a ‘favourite’ funeral plan.

Meanwhile, on a cheerier note, the good folk at Saga have been bombarding me with holiday offers and new deals on car insurance. It’s always nice looking at the pictures of the holidays. As far as the car insurance goes, I have replied to ask if they do deals on mobility scooters.

On the email front, it appears I have a lot more work to do on getting my spam filter settings tweaked on my inbox.

On Tuesday, a special offer landed from Hidden Hearing (other brands are available). ‘Get £2000 off a pair of our top-of-the-range hearing aids when you trade in an old pair’, it offered. That will be a ‘pass’ as I don’t have hearing aids at present, but Mrs L did suggest I visit some flea markets, pick up an old pair and see if I can ‘trade in’.

With a sense of timing which makes me wonder if my Alexa ‘voice-activated device’ is listening to my daily moans, an email arrived asking, ‘Does sitting make your back ache?’

Apparently, with the ‘Backfriend’ lightweight back support, I could get ‘positional relief from back pain wherever I sit’. Handy pictures illustrate it is light and portable and can be used ‘at home, driving, working, or relaxing’. There is no picture which suggests you can take it down the pub.

Sticking with taking care of the body, a Japanese firm emailed, suggesting I can ‘get rid of agonising foot pain without expensive medical bills’. Apparently, ‘acupressure insoles give the insoles a gentle massage with every step you take’. I am unclear whether they must be used while listening to a hit song by The Police. Also, they give the impression the sensation may be like walking on a pebble beach. So, that’s a pass from me, then.

On Wednesday, the email inbox was positively bulging with suggested purchases and free offers.

With respect to the Cardigan members of my family, I investigated the free offers first.

One posed the question – ‘Worried about diabetes at Christmas?’ Well, I wasn’t really concerned. But, now you come to mention it, yes, I’m worried. The free booklet offering ‘tips and advice for enjoying the festive period’ has been ordered and is on its way.

Also in the ‘that could be handy’ bracket was a special offer for a mobile phone designed for us ‘oldies’ – one with a simple interface for phone, messages and contacts and without the 500 apps and complicated clutter of most mobiles.

By all accounts, the new Samsung Galaxy A05s Easology Smartphone (other mobiles are available) has been specially designed for ease of use. Anything which stops me ‘pocket phoning’ the doctors’ surgery four times a day has got to be a good thing, right?

Meanwhile, on the personal hygiene front, a catalogue has arrived from a mobility firm offering special deals on walk-in-showers, baths and wet rooms.

It’s been placed on my reading desk, just underneath the 64-page brochure from a firm called Independence.

The entertainment value of this catalogue is very high as it offers devices to help easily open jars and wash your hair without water!

The telescopic back scratcher and the full-page magnifier have already been circled in blue pen.

The jury, however, is definitely out on ‘Cecil – All-in-one safety pants’.

The advert says that the ‘machine washable’ white pants have a lightly padded absorbent gusset and waterproof lining to provide total security for occasional ‘minor leaks’.

The pants ‘absorb up to 175ml of ‘liquid (about a teacup)’.

That’s a very specific piece of information for the home shopper, but I suspect that the person who sent me the catalogue may just be taking the p . . .

The bombardment of ‘oldie’ advertising may sometimes be overwhelming, but there are occasions when it is more entertaining than prime-time TV.

I must conclude with Theodore Roosevelt’s famous quote - “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.”