The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk


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WHAT’S ALL THE WHO-HA?

Since Peter Capaldi announced that, after four years he’s leaving the role of Doctor Who once he’s filmed the 2017 Christmas special, there’s been much speculation about who should succeed him as the Time Lord.
The fervour and excitement surrounding this story has been so great, questions have even been raised in the House.
Not the House of Commons.
The house of my mate Terry – a ‘Whovian’.
No, he’s not half-man, half-vacuum cleaner.
A Whovian is a dedicated Doctor Who fan(atic).
They’re sometimes called other things - but this is a family newspaper.
The questions raised by Terry – and the media - were the same ones asked when the previous two Doctors (David Tennant and err . . . cough . . . umm . . . wotsisname) admitted they’d had enough of being chased around Cardiff by a BBC Wales camera crew every Saturday night as they routinely saved the Universe with the aid of little more than a witty remark, a knowing smile and a screwdriver that’s almost as versatile as a Swiss army knife.
The Doctor also has unseen help in scaring-off alien monsters in the form of the relentless, bombastic musical accompaniment of the National Orchestra Of Wales.
The musicians always give the impression that the louder and faster they play, the more money they get.
Perhaps they spend it all on aspirins?
Prior to seeing a couple of the Capaldi episodes last year, I hadn’t watched Doctor Who for decades.
It was so long ago, the Doctor was still making house calls.
I stopped watching the show after sitting through a video tape of six episodes back-to-back and suddenly realised I needed something that I’d never have access to while I remained a Doctor Who fan.
A life!
Anyway, these were the questions raised by Terry The Whovian and the entire British media . . .
Why can’t the next Doctor Who be a woman?
Why can’t the next Doctor Who be played by a black actor?
Why can’t the next Doctor Who be played by a black actress?
All valid and worth considering.
But I just wonder . . . if Doctor Who is ever played by an actress, could it lead to other fictional male characters changing their sex?
Will our TV schedules and multiplexes treat us to the adventures of . . .
Jane Bond
Shirley Holmes
Mary Potter
Freda Krueger
Lucy Skywalker
Judith Ben-Hur
Mad Maxine
Darth Ada
And . . .
Indy Anna Jones.

Let me know if you think of any more . . .

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Call centres:

It’s safe to say that I’m not a big fan of call centres, or cold callers, despite the fact that everyone has to make a living.
But I draw the line when unsolicited calls from such establishments come through on my mobile phone.
My mobile number is only known to close friends and family. So how did that happen?
Our privacy is slowly but surely being eroded.
The caller advised that he had information on me that indicated I was due substantial compensation having been mis-sold PPI (payment protection insurance).
He said that the information that he had was accurate and had been provided by a regulated and reliable source and I just needed to answer a few personal questions.
So being me, I played along.
He then wanted to know my address.
Then my previous mortgage companies.
It was then that I reminded him that it would be rather foolish of me to provide personal and sensitive information to a stranger over the phone.
He got annoyed and hung up on me.
I know I have never been mis-sold any financial products in the past, so the gentleman was clearly lying and not even very good at it.
Now I have even less tolerance of call centres.

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The Good Old NHS:

Research has shown that we spend four days a year searching for a car parking space - unless you’re in Morriston hospital car park, then it’s four days a week!
No doubt, it will continue to be for years to come as the challenges faced with parking seem to be increasing on a regular basis.
Millions have been spent on new buildings and improved services, which it provides for thousands of patients in Wales and beyond.
The Morriston site is home to many unsung heroes, with a passion for making a difference, despite being stretched to the limit and grossly underfunded.
The overworked staff are stretched to the limit, but still manage to do a great job, many of whom perform at a level over and above the normal call of duty.
Last week, it was announced that the infamous ‘bubble tunnel’ was being demolished.
A tunnel that resembled that of the NASA space centre, built to link the old hospital with the new.
Something I personally have memories of as a child.
Yes, the heat in that tunnel in the summer was reminiscent of my grandfather’s greenhouse.
So what’s the difference between DFS and the NHS?
Well, apparently you’ll find more beds in DFS!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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