The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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“SPACE INVADERS”

“Please step back! You’re invading my space!”
Chances are you’ve heard that being said sometime, on TV, in a film or in the street.
Like many expressions, slang words and over-enthusiastic responses in common use today, it originated from the United States.
It’s unfortunate there wasn’t a dock workers strike on the day the ship arrived here carrying among its cargo the expression that always sounds so peculiarly ‘wrong’ delivered in a British accent.
“Hey buddy! That was so AWESOME!”
Nevertheless, it landed on British soil and invaded the space once occupied by the perfectly serviceable, “I say, old chap! That was rather impressive!” which I used to hear all the time in pubs around Llanelli . . . don’t you know!
I’ve never knowingly invaded anyone’s space – well not until last week, that is, when I parked my car in a town centre car-park, leaving, I thought, plenty of room either side for drivers to get in and out of their vehicles.
When I returned to my car, I found a piece of paper stuck to my windscreen that said . . .
“Summons, Notice of Inconsideration, Your Vehicle is Parked Very Selfishly” – and, in very poor handwriting, a word that I can’t print (but it rhymes with anchor).
Although I’d definitely left enough room, this driver thought I was guilty of inconsiderate parking – a ‘crime’ that obviously concerned him greatly, because the note he left was pre-printed!
He must keep loads of them in his vehicle to distribute around any car park where he thinks his space has been invaded.
Which begs the question, maybe it’s HIS (or her) parking that is inconsiderate. Now, there’s a thought.
If he happens to be reading this, let me say “Pal, you’ve got a persecution complex and need to stay in more!”
This incident happened in the same week newspapers reported the majority of car park spaces in Britain are now too small for many modern wider-bodied vehicles.
A normal saloon car is 6ft 5 inches wide and while they should fit comfortably into the standard car park space of 7ft 8 inches; 4 x 4s and pick-up trucks take up much more space.
As car park scrapes and scuffs cost motor insurers an incredible £1.4 billion each year, there‘s a call for car park spaces to be increased in size to accommodate these ‘Chelsea tractors’.
Possibly, there’s a connection between the obesity epidemic and the rising popularity of larger cars - but I won’t be the one to suggest there might be too many overweight drivers around.
No Sirree, Bob!
As they say in the pubs around Llanelli.

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Cold snap:

I don't know about you but over the past couple of days I've had some trouble warming up.
At this rate I will be digging out the thermal underwear garments which have been hidden away up until now following last winter’s holiday.
On Saturday evening, I couldn't help but notice that the majority of the punters frequenting Wind Street in Swansea were wearing next to nothing.
Yes – bare legs and flimsy tops and certainly no fur coats.
And the women were just as bad!
Don't get me wrong, extremely fashion conscious, but zero practicality.
It's now dawned on me that I’m at an age where comfort and practicality takes precedent over fashion.
Boring to some, I know, but I'd rather be warm and happy than cold and miserable.
Please don't say that I'm alone on this?
For the record, it must have been cold last weekend.
As I passed my local councillor, I observed he had his hands in his own pockets.
Just sayin’ . . .

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We share:

Every week I get a chance to share a bit of me with you, which at times can be both challenging and colourful, yet a privilege for me in many ways.
Having said that, occasionally the Evening Post editors do pull me up on a few things.
And there was me thinking that freedom of speech was now in abundance in these modern times.
So, why do we read the newspapers when we are bombarded with news items from one source or another 24 hours a day, seven days a week?
Well, maybe your reasoning is different to mine, but research suggests that we are addicted to gossip and negative news.
Could this be the reason that the majority of the population can't keep secrets?
This has certainly made me think about my back catalogue of stories, which on the whole are true, despite the slight exaggerated bits for comedic effect.
I'm sure you understand.
Not that I'm complaining, mind you – as I love the fact that as part of my job people share events and stories with me. Long may it continue.

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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