The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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HOOKED-ON CARAVANS? NOT ME!

As I’ve grown older and wider...err...wiser, I’ve been able to answer many questions that once baffled me, such as . . .
“Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?”
The answer is now blindingly obvious.
It’s because your pockets are full of birdseed.
And . . .
“If a picture paints a thousand words, why can’t I paint you?”
Because I failed my G.C.S.E. in Art.
But some things still have me scratching my head, apart from dandruff.
The most vexing question of all being . . . what is the strange madness that insidiously persuades a normal person to purchase a touring caravan?
I just don’t get it.
They take over your driveway and have to be hooked-up to your car so you can head off to a faraway campsite where you can sleep in a smaller, cramped version of the larger, more comfortable home you couldn’t wait to get away from.
It can’t just be me who thinks this is bonkers, surely?
Just last weekend as I was headed down the M5, a designated HR - indicating ‘Holdups . . . Regularly’ - I was accompanied by an army of cars towing rectangular metal homes on wheels, all the way to my coastal destination, where their owners would sleep in smaller, cramped versions of the larger more comfortable home they’d . . . well, you get the picture.
I, however, booked into a smashing B and B supported by foundations, not wheels.
The incident that put me off caravans forever happened when I was staying with some wealthy, caravan-loving friends around the time they were looking for a grander, more expensive replacement for their then-current state-of-the-art, four-berth model.
Being an agreeable fool, I foolishly agreed to accompany them while they spent a very long afternoon wandering around an enormous caravan sales site, forensically inspecting every inch of every single model on display, as their non-stop commentary on every ‘delightful’ space-saving item that caught their eye got me thinking of various dramatic escape plans, like fainting . . . or death.
As the hours dragged-by I noticed that every caravan’s furniture, fixtures and fittings were just miniature reproductions of what my friends already had in their house!
I wanted to shout: “Stay at home and enjoy the additional space!”
By the time I’d seen inside the umpteenth caravan I was so bored that to break the monotony I adjourned to the coffee shop and completed an application form to join the Caravan Club.
The coffee wasn’t up to much either.

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A hate crime?

Every day I read or hear something that makes me wonder if it’s me or the world that’s going loopy.
Here’s what Nottinghamshire Constabulary are currently considering calling a ‘hate’ crime.
“A sound made with pursed lips in appreciation of superior beauty.
It is in two parts; the first a rising note and the second a falling note”.
In other words . . . a wolf-whistle.
I thought ‘a sound made with pursed lips’ was a distant memory of when cheerful milkmen and spotty butcher’s boys whistled tuneless melodies.
But apparently it’s still a crude way of expressing approval of ‘winsome ladies’ by fat, shirtless men on building sites.
While it’s wrong for workmen to intimidate young women by wolf-whistling them, it appears some females of all ages feel that being whistled-at ‘objectifies’ and ‘de-humanises’ them.
That‘s a debate for another time and a longer article.
However, when so many appalling atrocities around the world are created out of hate, by considering the wolf-whistle is in the same category, Nottinghamshire Constabulary do us all a disservice.

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Christmas is early:

It's only July and people are already planning for their festive celebrations.
What's going on?
Many of my comedy chums – including myself - are already having enquiries for bookings for Christmas shows, which is unusual for July.
Don't get me wrong, this is a lovely position to be in, but I've never come across people being so organised and forward thinking.
What better way to end the year than to be part of an event that lifts peoples’ spirits and instills the feel good factor by looking at life through the eyes of a trained observer?
Yes, that's what we do. We observe our surroundings and the views of the world whilst often saying what many are thinking, but often not brave enough to say.
It's a bit like walking a tightrope at times. Challenging and surprising, yet maintaining the entertainment factor so that people can escape from the day to day stresses that sap all of our energy and joy.
"Life is like a box of chocolates," Gran used to tell me. "Eat too many and you'll end up with your Grandad’s backside!"

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk