The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
I don’t believe it.
If I’m lost on a lonely road in the Scottish Highlands and want to get back to civilisation, I’m not going to show a shaggy-bearded, kilted local a signed photo of Lloyd George astride a Bactrian camel.
I’m going to ask, “How can I get back to civilisation?” and hope the lady knows the answer.
Words are important.
We use them to communicate in texts, e-mails, telephone calls and one-to-one conversations.
In my twin capacities as a comedian and a South Wales Evening Post columnist, I make sure the words I use are so clear and concise, my audiences and readers know exactly what I’m about talking.
Gotcha!
University-educated people have a vocabulary of around 30,000 words.
The rest of us have a vocabulary of around 17,000 words.
And the guests on the Jeremy Kyle Show have an average vocabulary of two words – the second of which is ‘off’.
Far too many words are overused today - like “Awesome!”
Witnessing the sun setting over the Caribbean is awesome.
An ‘X’ Factor warbler murdering a power ballad in the key of ‘N’, isn’t awesome. Despite how certain tin-eared judges describe it.
Some people use words without thinking.
Like the other day when I was in a cafe and the waitress asked me if I wanted sugar with my tea.
When I declined, she said “No problem” – inferring that not having to bring me any sugar wasn’t going to cause her a problem.
Does that make sense on any level?
In restaurants, it really gets my goat – even if I’ve ordered lamb – when waiters bring me my meal and say, with all the oily sincerity of used-car salesmen who sell dodgy time-share apartments on the side... “Enjoy!”
What gives them the right to say that?
They didn’t grow the wheat, raise the livestock or pick the vegetables and herbs that went into my meal.
They didn’t prepare it. Chop it. Cook it. Fry it. Boil it or broil it.
All they did was carry my plate from the kitchen and put in it front of me.
And they have the nerve to go over the heads of all the people who worked so hard to create my meal...and tell me to “Enjoy!”
As the waiter turns away, under my breath I usually mutter a couple of over-used words of my own.
Borrowed from the Jeremy Kyle Show!

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Black Friday – A poem:

You’ll see them up and down the land
Descend on bars and clubs
They’ll knock back drinks from 1pm
And pack out all the pubs

They start off looking tidy
From the office they’ve come straight
I’ll only have a few
Because I’m not to be home late

But one leads to another
By the time you go bar hopping
You forget you’d told the Mrs
That you’d help her with the shopping

And now you’re on your 7th pint
You check your mobile phone
12 missed calls and 13 texts
So many ways to moan!

You hear your friends “just one more pint”
We’ll just try one more bar
It’s only there across the road
But your legs won’t walk that far...

The time has come, you can’t stand up
You really need your bed
Your eyes are seeing double
There’s a banging in your head....

You call the wife to pick you up
But don’t know where you are
Your friends have gone, it’s very late
And you’re holding some bird’s bra

So if you want a quiet life
And Christmas full of cheer
Help the Mrs with the shop
And stay away from beer!

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Reflection:

As the year draws to a close I’m so looking forward to the week between Christmas and New Year as this will be the time for me to relax and recover from the festive demands that many performers are so familiar with.
As I look back on the year, which passed so quickly, I’m amazed at how much was packed in, there is so much more to achieve in the New Year - and that is something that I am really looking forward to.
The past 12 months have created many memories of joy, but have also been tinged with sadness.
One of my oldest mentors would say to me, “take time to reflect, enjoy the memories and move forward into the New Year with a new passion for life and stand firm for what you believe in as your values will define you, even though at times not everyone will agree with you”.
Wise words that I hold dearly.

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk