The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk


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Modern medicine and a pill for everything:
Many years ago, someone older and wiser than yours truly, said to me,“One day, Phil, boy, you’ll be able to walk into a chemist’s shop and they’ll be able to sell you a pill to cure just about everything, you mark my words!”
There are two reasons why I remember those words.
Firstly - because it was obvious that the person speaking them possessed tremendous foresight, years of acquired wisdom...and probably the worst case of raging halitosis I have ever had the misfortune to come across.
His rancid breath could scour six inches of congealed grease from the inside of two-dozen frying pans.
Secondly – it was a totally random, incongruous gobbet of information to come from a member of the lifeboat team sent out to rescue me after my dinghy capsized.
What I actually wanted him to say as he hauled my half-frozen body from the chilly, unforgiving waters of the Bristol Channel, was,“Climb aboard, matey! We’ll soon have ‘ee warmed up with a hot toddy and a steaming bowl of porridge. Oh, arr...oh arr!”
Well, we were on the Somerset side of the Channel. And the day before, I’d watched the first “Pirates of the Caribbean” film six times. I didn’t particularly want to, but my DVD player is on the blink and repeats films more often than ITV4.
So, when I read last week that scientists have come up with a pill that ‘cures’ hangovers, I thought to myself, “That manky-mouthed matelot was absolutely right”.
Some of you may think a hangover cure in the form of a pill is a great idea - possibly the scientific breakthrough of the century.
However, I do not!
Because hangovers are not supposed to be instantly cured.
They’re meant to be endured, sometimes for an entire, miserable, pain-wracked day (please pay attention all Wales rugby fans who ‘overdid it a bit’ after Saturday’s stunning win).
Otherwise we’ll never learn that, if we drink to excess or ‘mix the grape with the hop’, we’ll pay the price the next morning - in the shape of a herd of particularly clumsy elephants auditioning for “Strictly” in some hellish, concrete-floored rehearsal room just behind our eyes.
A hangover is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to lay off the booze for a few days.
It must involve a splitting headache, nausea, a feeling of guilt...and a solemn promise to yourself that you’ll never over-indulge again.
If you can take a pill that instantly dispenses with that – it’ll take all the fun out of it!

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Elvis:
Last weekend was one of the most important dates in the Welsh Elvis fans calendar, with thousands of people from all over the world descending on Porthcawl for the annual Elvis festival.
What did Elvis have in common with Porthcawl?
Who knows, but this three-day event gets more and more popular every year, with people (and dogs!) of all ages dressing up as the King of Rock ‘n Roll and being treated to more than 50 Elvis tribute artists who perform in more than 100 shows.
The weather was very kind to the fans, which I’m sure created a few chaffing moments beneath the various Lycra costumes, which appeared in all shapes and sizes.
Am I missing something, or are we turning into a nation of crazy people?
The world has gone mad.
My spies inform me that Porthcawl ran out of burgers before the end of the weekend, which I’m sure left a few people all shook up!
They even had a Michael ‘Vegas’ Rees from Newcastle Emlyn, ready to compete, but he, unfortunately, had to pull out due to a heavy cold.
You can’t make this stuff up can you?

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Rugby:
Well, I've got to admit, I'm not the greatest rugby fan in the world, or football for that matter, but felt a sense of Welsh loyalty this weekend as Rugby World Cup fever took over Wales.
I didn't have much choice, it was all over the TV, radio and social media!
As I watched the game unfold on TV, it was lovely to see whole families in the crowd at Twickenham enjoying the game and soaking up the atmosphere.
Pints and bottles of beer were being raised in the air in celebration.
Then the adverts came on in the break for Stay Sober for October, and I couldn't help but wonder if they've got the timing right for this!
The Rugby World Cup runs right the way through October and ends at the same time as Stay Sober for October!!
Maybe ‘Say No in November’ would have been a better choice!
The offers on alcohol in supermarkets at the moment are encouraging us to stock up and sit in front of the TV, so what will you decide?
Let me know!

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