The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

--------------------

Do you remember back in the Spring, national newspapers confidently predicted a ‘Barbecue Summer’?
Yes! Like those mornings when you wake up regretting you bought the kebab that looked so delicious as you staggered back home from the ‘pub a few hours previously....it’s all coming back to you now!
If anyone did manage to light more than one barbecue in the last couple of months, it was to keep warm during the most disappointing summer since...err...last year’s disappointing summer.
It’s not been exceptionally wet. It’s just been exceptionally ‘blah’.
A warm day, followed by several cloudy, humid days, then a few wet days...
What we’ve missed out on are weeks of uninterrupted sunshine in the day and long warm evenings when we can sit out until late, helping us to recharge our batteries.
In fact, when we have had hot summers, I took the batteries out of my household appliances....lined them up in the garden...and recharged them.
It’s a cheap way of doing it, but does have its downside.
I overslept every morning while my alarm clock battery was stretched out on the back lawn, sunning itself.
Daily, events happen here and around the world worthy of filling newspapers, so sometimes it’s difficult to recall what the important headline story was last week.
Try remembering what the big story was a month ago and it’s absolutely impossible.
Newspapers rely on us forgetting, so every Spring they adopt a cavalier approach and print predictions about ‘barbecue’ Summers and every Autumn they predict that the worst Winter for decades is on the way, bringing with it power cuts, food shortages and worst of all...a specially extended Christmas edition of “Eastenders”!
Brrrr!
But I don’t forget those headlines and have a crazy conspiracy theory which for legal reasons I need to stress, is so preposterous, only a comedy nerd like me would ever come up with anything so ridiculous.
Those over-optimistic Spring headlines were created after supermarket bosses who desperately needed to shift barbecue equipment and charcoal; burgers and baps; sausages and onion rings; paddling pools and sun loungers, had clandestine meetings with newspaper bosses during which plastic ‘Bags For Life’ stuffed with fifty pound notes were handed over. No questions asked. A nod is as good as wink.
As dear old Arthur Daley would say “A nice little earner”. *
To reiterate, it’s just my crazy theory that has not one grain of truth about it.
It just makes me laugh.
I hope it tickled your funny bone, too.

George Cole R.I.P.*

----------------------

Exam results:

The exam results are out. But are good results enough?
My close friend and successful business coach from Llanelli, Donald Melrose, is a firm believer that all children should be taught marketing skills at school and I couldn’t agree more.
So many people lack the ability to effectively communicate and gain rapport with others in everyday situations.
Marketing skills give us the edge to engage on so many levels, thus making us more employable, unveiling greater opportunities and instilling confidence to grow and achieve.
The education system needs modernising to help children deal with the challenges they will face in an ever-changing world.
Social media is robbing children of the important tool of being able to look someone in the eye and really communicate.
Marketing is not just for businesses and celebrities, it is a subject that must be introduced early to establish habits that will develop and grow stronger throughout our lifetime.
We all market ourselves every day by either drawing people towards us or pushing people away, but have a limited understanding of the process.

----------------------

Crime Figures:
An interesting report out this week revealed the places in Wales with the lowest crime rates, with Dyfed-Powys coming out on top as one of the safest places to live.
But hang on a minute, surely by revealing these figures it is a bit like inviting your stripey T-shirted, eyemask-wearing blokes with a swag bag over their shoulders round for a bit of a get together?
It's like the Jobs Pages for burglars!
“Look, these places haven't been burgled yet, why not pop round?”
On a more serious note, I think it's more likely to be a vigilant and robust police force in these areas and it is reassuring to see that a lid is being kept on crime.
Which reminds me of a poster in the window of the village police station in Llangadog some years back, which read “this police station is only occasionally manned, Wednesday afternoons and Friday mornings.”
Yes, only in Wales!

----------------------

You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk