The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post


The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.

www.philevans.co.uk

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THE AMAZING SPIDER MAM!
This newspaper recently published a story about a local lady who brought home a nasty surprise with her groceries. For those of you who missed it, here’s a banana-flavoured taste...
A Mum was terrified after opening a bunch of supermarket bananas bought in Pontardawe and finding rare spiders - whose bite can give a man an erection lasting four hours.
Shocked Maria Layton, 43, found the bananas, shipped from Costa Rica, were infested with eggs from the Brazilian wandering spider - the most deadly in the world.
As soon as she discovered the cocoon they started to hatch so she quickly put them in a sealed container in the freezer and called Tesco customer services.
Now, out of several things that caught my attention in the article, there was one that I found particularly interesting.
And it’s not the one you’re thinking!
Go and give that filthy mind of yours a good wash!
But, rest-assured, I will come to that bit in a moment.
No, what I initially thought was, “What a cool, calm and collected person Mrs Layton must be.”
Because if I came home, put my shopping on the kitchen table, took out a bag of bananas and found a small army of baby spiders suddenly starting to hatch from a weird-looking cocoon and scuttling all over the place, I think I would have panicked.
I don’t suffer from arachnophobia with regard to British spiders, but when they turn up in bananas, they’re obviously from some tropical country where the bite of an insect or arachnid can cause serious problems.
But this plucky lady had the presence of mind not only to look for a container to put them in (How did she have the courage to pick them up?) but to seal it tight and put it in the freezer.
The species turned out to be ‘ wandering spiders’ and certainly lived up to their name, because the eight-legged little-uns had wandered all the way from the steaming jungles of Brazil to a shelf in a supermarket’s fruit’n’veg. department in Pontardawe.
It’s the complete reverse of those endless ‘comedy-travel’ documentary series featuring a celebrity who pretends to ‘rough it’ in some remote wilderness on the other side of the world, but who actually spends each night in a first-class suite at the local Hilton or Marriott.
In this case, the spiders’ heroic journey ended with them being sealed in a plastic box and locked in a freezer between a leg of lamb and a packet of fish fingers – a fate I often wish would happen to the celebrities who front ‘comedy-travel’ documentaries.
So now we come to the delicate bit.
If you pardon the expression . . .
The article said the bite of the wandering spider can cause a man to have a...er . . . (embarrassed cough)....erection...for four hours!
Two questions.
Who was the first person to find this out...and what was he doing with the spider at the time?
And...
After completing the act of love, what are men supposed to do for three hours fifty-five minutes and 30 seconds?

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X Factor:
Breaking News: It is now official. X Factor’s Simon Cowell is in talks with Three Tenors star Aled Hall from Pencader, with view to Aled being a judge on the next new series of the popular Saturday night show!
Mr Cowell has been keeping a close eye on Aled following his narrow escape in February last year, when a tree fell on his car due to high winds and he had to be freed by the emergency services, Special Branch.
It is also reported that Simon Cowell is a big fan of the popular S4C show ‘Noson Lawen’, where he has seen Aled perform on numerous occasions.
At this point in time, we are led to believe that negotiations surrounding fees are taking place and it has been mentioned that a sum of around £80,000 per episode is being considered.
Due to time and travel commitments, Aled is requesting that at least half of the X Factor shows are to be recorded at the new Ffwrnes Theatre in Llanelli.
This will be a much needed boost for the town. I can’t wait! Watch this space.....

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Limelight:
Limelight Performance Academy is based in Port Talbot and its principal is Jo Abraham.
Jo provides a wonderful, safe environment to support, develop and mentor new talent and it is quite clear that the time, effort and dedication that she shows to these up and coming young stars really does pay off!
The winner of this year’s Welsh Factor Final at the Diplomat Hotel, Llanelli, was a young lady by the name of Miss Katie-Louise North.
Jo mentored Katie-Louise and also put together her stunning set production, this proved to be a winning combination.
Clearly by working together in a creative and encouraging way paid off, and what the audience and judges witnessed on the night was a production second to none. Everyone involved should be very proud of themselves.
Limelight Performance Academy and The Welsh Factor are raising the standards of live entertainment in Wales; this is something that is long overdue.
For me, every child should have the opportunity to explore the arts. It helps to build their character, confidence and communication skills, something rarely achieved by sitting in front of a computer! Just a thought.....

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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