The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.


'The Harley and the Ivy'
By the time this goes to print, it’ll be Christmas Eve. I can still remember the thrill of waking up at dawn one Christmas and reaching out to feel the exciting shapes hidden within the pillowcase hanging on the end of the bed.
I carefully unwrapped the first present - a pair of bicycle clips, with a note attached which said “These are no good unless they’re attached to something useful. Take a look under the bed.”
So I looked. And do you know what was there?
A pair of trousers!
The motorcycle community often create a negative image in the minds of the public and in the media.
Mention the word “bikers” and immediately, big, hairy types covered in tattoos spring to mind. They’re tough as nails, don’t shave for days, never wash their leathers, drink Jack Daniels straight from the bottle, hang around bars and billiard halls and if you look at them the wrong way they’ll gang up on you and give you a right hammering!
And the men are even scarier.
But those are images of bikers in American films, in which the bikers are all members of Hells Angels chapters and have no visible means of income apart from robbing convenience stores at gunpoint.
British bikers aren’t at all like that. They rob Early Learning Centres!
Look, if you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t have left the house dressed like that.
Trust me folks, here the biker world is made up of amazing people who pull together and support each other, their communities and many charities.
For example the annual “Hoggin’ The Bridge” event, in which 3,000 or more bikers cross the Severn Bridge, raises thousands for charity.
Locally, I have seen them raise tremendous amounts of money, donate gifts, toys and Easter eggs to hospitals for children who are unable to be at home to celebrate with their families. They continue to do so much good with very little praise or publicity.
So as I have an opportunity each week to say anything I like, practically, I thought I’d speak up on their behalf.
Saturday 13th December saw a spectacular demonstration of the biking community coming together. It was the second year of the Bad Santa Bikers Toy Run. Last year’s took place in atrocious weather, but this year it was bright, cold and icy.
Seventy bikers left M & P Motorcycles, Gorseinon, dressed as Santa and went through Burry Port and Kidwelly and on to Glangwilli Hospital, visiting the chidren’s wards and baby unit.
From there, they went to Oakwood Ward at Morriston hospital and then their final stop was Singleton hospital.
They distributed 140 gifts between Glangwilli and Morriston, all raised by raffles and donations, £300 of which was generously doubled to £600 by Eddie Beer of Silurian Security Swansea, which will be used for the special care unit at Singleton hospital.
So please raise your Christmas party hats to this brilliant band of big-hearted bikers!


Black Friday

You’ll see them up and down the land
Descend on bars and clubs
They’ll knock back drinks from 1pm
And pack out all the pubs

They start off looking tidy
From the office they’ve come straight
I’ll only have a few
Because I’m not to be home late

But one leads to another
By the time you go bar hopping
You forget you’d told the Mrs
That you’d help her with the shopping

And now you’re on your 7th pint
You check your mobile phone
12 missed calls and 13 texts
So many ways to moan!

You hear your friends “just one more pint”
We’ll just try one more bar
It’s only there across the road
But your legs won’t walk that far...

The time has come, you can’t stand up
You really need your bed
Your eyes are seeing double
There’s a banging in your head....

You call the wife to pick you up
But don’t know where you are
Your friends have gone, it’s very late
And you’re holding some bird’s bra

So if you want a quiet life
And Christmas full of cheer
Help the Mrs with the shop
And stay away from beer!


Christmas started for me last Friday when I paid a visit to Neath Little Theatre to experience a great play, A Christmas Carol, which was an abridged version from the original by Charles Dickens and directed by Ffion Green.
Here I shared the evening with families of all ages, who had come from far and wide ready to experience the magic of Christmas, in one of the smallest and intimate theatres in the area.
This theatre is kept alive by a community of hardworking and loyal volunteers that have a passion for live entertainment – a passion which I share. They are determined to keep this tradition alive and it is one which I believe we should all support with the same enthusiasm.


You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales


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