The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post
The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post -
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
Imagine the scene at NATO HQ in Brussels last year. Around the table sit the great and the good (plus one or two rogues) with their laptops open in front of them, looking at maps of various NATO countries as they decide where the 2014 NATO Conference should be held.
London? In September? Could be raining and still full of late-summer tourists.
Paris? Too many French people and not far enough away from HQ to claim those lovely travel expenses.
Rome? Wa-hey! All that pasta, wine and La Dolce Vita? Nope. Nowhere secure enough, since The Pope refuses to move out of the Vatican into a B & B for the duration.
Then! A Eureka moment! Many of the assembled group are golf fans and remember the 2010 Ryder Cup was held in a luxury hotel somewhere in Wales.
What was it called?“The Kilted Manhole”? Look it up. The building was surrounded by golf links so there’s plenty of space to park tanks, jeeps, helicopters, missiles, police cars, riot vehicles...and a burger van. Plus, we can get 18 holes in before breakfast. Book it, boys!
And so it came to pass that the 2014 NATO conference was held at the Celtic Manor Hotel, Newport.
Around here we felt little of its impact, although I did hear The Obamas were chauffered down to Swansea Market and bought five quids’ worth of cockles and a dozen Welsh cakes. But during the conference and for a week before, with 9,500 extra coppers on duty, it seems Newport resembled a Police State. If you’ve visited Newport recently you might think that’s a much better state than it’s usually in, but I have friends there and wouldn’t like to upset them. So if they’re reading this, they’d better stop now.
A group of anti-Nato protesters set up a peace camp in Tredegar Park and it didn’t take long for nearby residents to complain about the noise. You can only listen to “Kumbaya” sung badly by ageing hippies, accompanied by a battered three-string guitar, seventeen times before dialling 999. A music historian recently discovered a second verse of “Kumbaya”. I’ll update you when I find out more.
There were protest marches through the city. But Newport’s been there for hundreds of years, so there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Many were protesting because they didn’t like NATO. Apart from one confused bloke who didn’t like Dorothy’s dog in “The Wizard Of Oz”.
Fourteen miles of fencing were placed around the hotel. But the delegates still managed to get out. In fact they went to Cardiff, where the castle was surrounded by more fencing. Did anyone responsible for conference security realise that a castle is a secure fortress with high walls, designed to keep out invaders? Putting a ten-foot fence around it seems as pointless as making a bread sandwich.
I’m not saying it’s the next NATO conference location, but yesterday, several men in dark suits, with military buzz-cuts and a bad attitude, were seen wandering around Tregaron...
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Last week I found myself being the guest after dinner speaker at a very secret men only event. It was so secret that I'm unable to say anymore about it.
Yes, they have men only functions in this day and age, and there was me thinking that times had changed.
Over the years I have also found myself speaking at a ladies only function but those events are rare. Having said that, I have very fond memories of such occasions.
More so than the men only events. Yes, what I'm saying is that the ladies are more fun to entertain than the men and I speak from experience.
Women have been known to laugh harder, louder and longer.
Often women have a better scenes of humour and are more willing to let go and engage in the moment, which as far as I am concerned is ideal and a delight.
If I have upset any men with my comments here. Good...
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Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
London? In September? Could be raining and still full of late-summer tourists.
Paris? Too many French people and not far enough away from HQ to claim those lovely travel expenses.
Rome? Wa-hey! All that pasta, wine and La Dolce Vita? Nope. Nowhere secure enough, since The Pope refuses to move out of the Vatican into a B & B for the duration.
Then! A Eureka moment! Many of the assembled group are golf fans and remember the 2010 Ryder Cup was held in a luxury hotel somewhere in Wales.
What was it called?“The Kilted Manhole”? Look it up. The building was surrounded by golf links so there’s plenty of space to park tanks, jeeps, helicopters, missiles, police cars, riot vehicles...and a burger van. Plus, we can get 18 holes in before breakfast. Book it, boys!
And so it came to pass that the 2014 NATO conference was held at the Celtic Manor Hotel, Newport.
Around here we felt little of its impact, although I did hear The Obamas were chauffered down to Swansea Market and bought five quids’ worth of cockles and a dozen Welsh cakes. But during the conference and for a week before, with 9,500 extra coppers on duty, it seems Newport resembled a Police State. If you’ve visited Newport recently you might think that’s a much better state than it’s usually in, but I have friends there and wouldn’t like to upset them. So if they’re reading this, they’d better stop now.
A group of anti-Nato protesters set up a peace camp in Tredegar Park and it didn’t take long for nearby residents to complain about the noise. You can only listen to “Kumbaya” sung badly by ageing hippies, accompanied by a battered three-string guitar, seventeen times before dialling 999. A music historian recently discovered a second verse of “Kumbaya”. I’ll update you when I find out more.
There were protest marches through the city. But Newport’s been there for hundreds of years, so there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Many were protesting because they didn’t like NATO. Apart from one confused bloke who didn’t like Dorothy’s dog in “The Wizard Of Oz”.
Fourteen miles of fencing were placed around the hotel. But the delegates still managed to get out. In fact they went to Cardiff, where the castle was surrounded by more fencing. Did anyone responsible for conference security realise that a castle is a secure fortress with high walls, designed to keep out invaders? Putting a ten-foot fence around it seems as pointless as making a bread sandwich.
I’m not saying it’s the next NATO conference location, but yesterday, several men in dark suits, with military buzz-cuts and a bad attitude, were seen wandering around Tregaron...
---------------------------------
Last week I found myself being the guest after dinner speaker at a very secret men only event. It was so secret that I'm unable to say anymore about it.
Yes, they have men only functions in this day and age, and there was me thinking that times had changed.
Over the years I have also found myself speaking at a ladies only function but those events are rare. Having said that, I have very fond memories of such occasions.
More so than the men only events. Yes, what I'm saying is that the ladies are more fun to entertain than the men and I speak from experience.
Women have been known to laugh harder, louder and longer.
Often women have a better scenes of humour and are more willing to let go and engage in the moment, which as far as I am concerned is ideal and a delight.
If I have upset any men with my comments here. Good...
----------------------
Doing what I do means that I get to travel far and wide and at times I meet and see some truly fascinating and funny things.
Many of you reading this would have heard the stories at my shows, up and down the country.
Clearly, people at times say and do the strangest things, which to me is 'pure entertainment' and what I call "material".
We need to see and experience more of this as it helps us cope with the stresses and demands on our time and lives which is ever increasing.
Here is something I was confronted with when I visited Cardiff Bay recently...
Many of you reading this would have heard the stories at my shows, up and down the country.
Clearly, people at times say and do the strangest things, which to me is 'pure entertainment' and what I call "material".
We need to see and experience more of this as it helps us cope with the stresses and demands on our time and lives which is ever increasing.
Here is something I was confronted with when I visited Cardiff Bay recently...
You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales
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