The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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Another soapbox moment:

Look out! Hide behind your sofas and stick a saucepan on your head for protection. Phil’s on the rampage!
I’m fired-up and hotter under the collar than the time I devoured a vindaloo and chilli pepper curry at my local Welsh-Indian restaurant, The Pentre Khyber.
What’s caused this?
As usual, people’s cavalier, lazy use of English.
I can’t be the only person who’s noticed that many journalists, politicians, experts etc., interviewed on the TV and radio news now routinely begin answering a question with the word ‘So....’ before continuing.
For example . . .
Interviewer: “With me in studio is the CEO of Amalgamated Chocolate Teapots, Abernathy Farquhar. Mister Farquhar, would you explain why sales of chocolate teapots have plummeted by 500% in the last week?”
Farquhar: “So...what’s happened in real terms is.....”
Was the person who started this linguistic lunacy the same one who first replied “Absolutely!” when answering a question affirmatively instead of using the perfectly adequate “Yes”?
Another affectation that gets my goat (tethered on my back lawn to keep the grass short ) is when a person’s response to something I’ve said is the meaningless “O-kay!”.
That suggests they’re magnanimously giving me their approval while at the same time secretly doubting me.
I don’t know where that one started but it’s definitely not “O-kay” with me.
I’m on a roll now...
If a man said “Good afternoon!” to you at breakfast time, you’d think he was a little odd or had won the ‘Rolex’ he was wearing from a ‘grabber’ machine in a Porthcawl amusement arcade . . . 15 years ago.
Last week, I was in my car, listening to BBC Radio Wales and heard someone say, “Welcome to Good Evening Wales!”
Good Evening Wales?! It was four in the afternoon on a crisp, sunny day!
In my book - available for pre-order at £29.99 - evenings start around seven o’ clock.
BBC Radio Wales must spend so much on doughnuts to keep Wynne Evans happy during his new morning show that there’s no cash left to purchase a clock or two.
That’s a ‘clock or two’. A cockatoo would be a terrible waste of licence payer’s money.
Calling the show “Good Evening Wales” is a conceit, because it sounds much more important, more ‘prime time’ than “Good Afternoon Wales”.
It also makes the presenters appear more important and in regional broadcasting, appearing more important than you are, is really important.
My rant over, do I feel better?
Absolutely so!

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Luck:

Apparently, it appears that my luck is changing and the future is looking amazingly bright.
Let me explain.
On February 29, I received a wedding proposal by email from a Russian lady, 25 years younger than myself, who reassures me that her intentions were honourable and she was very keen to learn to speak English.
I’d have been slightly more impressed if she'd have said Welsh.
She seemed very keen for me to accept her proposal quickly and assured me I was the man for her.
Strangely, earlier that day I also received an email from an overseas legal firm informing me that a legal loophole had been found which meant that they had chosen me to be party to a $2,000,000 inheritance.
To proceed I simply needed to supply my full name and bank details.
How amazing is that?
My only initial concern here is that my future Russian bride may have already had access to my emails.
She’s promised to send me a picture of herself….watch this space….

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Welsh comedy:

As I write this, a number of my Welsh speaking comedy chums and I have started the first stages of writing new material for a stand up comedy series to be recorded and aired on S4C later this year.
The creative process must produce new, original and quality comedy that must appeal to Welsh speaking viewers.
Following the writing process, shows need to be arranged to road test and hone the material prior to recording, to ensure that each performer is totally at ease with their new act and that laughter is guaranteed.
This exercise can be time consuming, painfully frustrating and at times daunting, but without this process a quality TV recording cannot be achieved.
If you are interested in Welsh stand up comedy, keep your ears open and eyes peeled as we will be performing our warm up shows in many parts of Wales over the next six months and would love you to be part of the experience.

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk