The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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HERE COMES THE SUN....SO LET’S ALL HIDE!

After months of relentlessly wet, windy and depressing weather, many of us have only managed to keep up our dampened spirits by looking forward to those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer when we can get out into that energising source of Vitamin D3....sunshine!
Oh, just to refer back to a subject I previously moaned...err...wrote . . . about, although the sun flew off to warmer climes last October, some men are so desperate to expose their saggy-baggy bodies, they doggedly wear ridiculous–looking saggy-baggy shorts all year round.
I saw an example of this macho madness at McArthur Glen shopping centre in Bridgend a couple of Saturdays ago.
While other shoppers were protected from the icy wind by coats, scarves and gloves, one obese, shaven-headed ‘gentleman’ was wearing shorts, a sleeveless tee-shirt...and open-toed sandals!
And, naturally, he was shouting into his mobile telephone as he swaggered around.
To quote Del Boy – “What a plonker!”
Back to the subject in hand . . .
What could be better for your well-being than stretching out on a white sandy beach, listening to the sound of the sea lapping against the shore as your skin turns a deep golden brown?
Well...sticking your head into a whirring food mixer, for a start!
Because according to the latest ‘scientific research that’s meant to make our lives miserable’, there’s no such thing as a healthy tan – and the fair-skinned should spend no more than 10 minutes in strong sunlight.
Just 10 measly minutes lying in the sun every day!
That hardly makes it worthwhile for sun-seekers to spend several thousand pounds on a 14-night luxury break to the Bahamas, the Caribbean or Llandudno.
However, there is a very serious element at the core of that advice.
Even though we all know the dangers of over-exposure to the sun, obviously we have to keep being told, because every year in the UK there are more than 13,500 cases of malignant melanoma – the deadliest form of skin cancer.
And the incidence is rising faster than any other cancer.
Hugh Jackman recently had skin cancer for the fifth time – now successfully removed – which he puts down to not using sunscreen.
Okay, he’s Australian, but that country knew about the dangers of sunbathing decades ago.
Enjoy your summer holiday, abroad or in the UK, but please slap on the sunscreen, don’t stay out in the sun too long and remember this little motto –

“If you roast...you’re toast!

Now where are my shorts...?

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Parking challenge:

As I write, I'm in the middle of fighting a parking fine.
In my defence, the ticket machine in question would not take the extra coins needed for the length of time that my vehicle was parked in a small SA1 car park.
I paid for two hours but needed three hours.
The machine would not take the money for three hours.
I just knew there would be problems.
Not a single car park attendant in sight.
How frustrating is that.
My meeting meant that I was unable to pop out and top up, but as luck had it, I only ended up being 12 minutes over my allotted time.
Imagine my surprise to see a parking ticket on my car in this short space of time.
The attendant must have been hiding behind another car counting down on a stopwatch.
If machines don't work properly why should people be punished?
I’m not letting this one rest….have you had any similar experiences of parking problems lately?
I’d love to hear from you if you have.

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Cookery lessons:

While chatting over the garden fence with one of my neighbour’s school aged children, whilst retrieving my washing (as most of it had ended up scattered around Ammanford as a result of 80 MPH winds) the conversation turned to “which is your favourite lesson in school?”
Imagine my surprise to learn that he quite enjoyed cookery lessons.
I didn’t think they still taught cookery in schools!
I was quite disappointed to learn that pizza and apple crumble seemed to be the most adventurous creations these days.
Apparently, the apple filling for the apple crumble didn’t have to be prepared as it “was already like a lump of apple sauce in the bottom of the silver tray” that they had to cook it in!
No peeling, coring and chopping like the good old days... it just appeared!
My gran would turn in her grave had she heard this.
Gran was a firm believer that children should be taught to cook from scratch.
In these days of ready meals and fast foods I’m sure children would love to be let lose in the kitchen.
What do you think?

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk