The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

------------------------------------------

SMALL TALK IS A BIG BORE:

This time of year, there are four words mentioned in newspapers and magazines and heard in TV advertisements that chill me to the bone.
“It’s the party season!”
With the exception of those that start at two pm, feature jelly and ice cream and ‘Pass The Parcel’ before finishing promptly at four pm with goodie bags handed-out to the little ones as they’re collected by their parents, I cannot abide parties.
I’m a tolerant person, who appreciates a joke – whether I’m telling it or hearing it – and I enjoy a good night out.
But I’m hyper-allergic to those excruciating ‘fun’ celebrations of enforced jollity, surrounded by obnoxious, boozed-up people, as loud music blasts our eardrums while everyone stands around making small talk – something I have never been able to master the ‘art’ of.
I know very little about football or rugby, so I can’t join in any sporty conversations.
Heavy topics like religion and politics should be avoided as party-chat, because the combination of heavy alcohol consumption and strong opinions usually ends in fisticuffs, broken furniture and someone’s 60-inch plasma telly being covered in taramasalata.
I also know very little about another subject discussed at parties - popular television shows.
Of course I watch the telly, but as I have absolutely no interest in 75% of what’s shown on TV, you’ll understand why I find it so difficult joining in most gogglebox gossip.
I don’t watch any soaps and I’ve never sat through a complete episode of the following....
Strictly Come Dancing.
The X Factor.
The Great British Bake Off.
Masterchef.
Celebrity Masterchef.
The Great Pottery Throwdown.
Big Brother.
Celebrity Big Brother.
The Voice.
I’m yawning like a hippopotamus basking on the banks of the Limpopo just thinking about those shows.
As for “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here”, I genuinely cannot see the appeal of watching a group of ‘celebs’ I’ve never heard of, bickering around a jungle clearing night after night, chewing kangaroo testicles and sticking their heads inside a box of rats.
Does the word ‘dignity’ not appear in their dictionaries?
If John Logie Baird had foreseen how his invention would become so dumbed-down, he would have burnt his blueprints and we’d now be spending our evenings listening to the wireless, eating jelly and ice cream and playing “Pass The Parcel”.
Maybe you’d like to include this theory amongst your small talk at the next party you attend...

-----------------------------------------

So does music heal?
Not often do we witness miracles, but I’m told they do happen.
Let me explain . . .
Recently, I was at a celebratory function and I couldn’t help but notice a lady of retirement age manoeuvring into the function room by the aid of a modern looking three-wheeler Zimmer frame.
Clearly, it appeared that walking any distance was a challenge and by the look on her face she was in some discomfort.
As the night went on, it could be seen that friends, family and staff were assisting in every way they could to accommodate her needs.
Food brought to the table, drinks delivered from the bar and friendly banter in copious amounts from all concerned. The ideal party atmosphere was developing. We all felt for her.
Then when the disco started, what I saw next amazed me.
The lady in question got up to her feet and started jiving around the dance floor, not a Zimmer frame in sight, to the sound of ‘Rock around the Clock’.
Now, every day, I ask myself this, “did I witness a miracle?”

-----------------------------------------------

A forgotten gift:

Yesterday, I went up the attic looking for the tree and decorations, whilst praying that the Christmas lights would work first time (that’s if I could even find them!).
I know that most of you reading this will already have done the decoration ritual long before now, but my comedy work commitments have prevented me – and to be honest my attic is not a place that I enjoy visiting.
I’m not a great fan of spiders, cobwebs and long lost relatives.
But isn’t it amazing what you find?
Yes, I found a gift from last year that I had totally forgotten about.
Bit late now, though.
My girlfriend would have loved that puppy.
(JOKE!)

--------------------

You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk