The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post

The latest Phil Evans column from the South Wales Evening Post.
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
www.philevans.co.uk

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If you’ve got your finger on the pulse of what’s occurin’ in this big world of ours, then you’ll be aware that recycling is a hot topic.
Maybe not as hot as the hottest thing known to man . . .
That title goes to a McDonald’s apple pie, but just like one of those devilish desserts, it’s a burning issue . . .
If you’ve never had a McDonald’s apple pie, I can tell you they make molten lava erupting from a volcano feel like an ice-cold, bone-chilling wind, blowing in from the Russian Steppes.
Before attempting to eat one, leave it on your plate for a while. Say . . . er . . .48 hours.
It’s expected of us that, despite our busy work and family commitments, we have to recycle almost everything that comes in through our front doors, in a never-ending effort to help our planet.
That’s quite a big ask. Unlike Kim Kardashian’s rear, which is a big....err...now where was I?
As we’re constantly badgered into recycling by our local council, politicians and environmentalists, there’s no need for millions of pounds to be spent on scientific research into why we’re all feeling so tired these days.
The fact is, we’re worn out from lying awake at night wondering if we’ve put our recycling in the correct receptacles ready for collection day.
Because if we haven’t and they find out, your local council now has the power to have you publicly flogged and your home repossessed.
Think I’m joking?
Hang on to this page for five or six years, re-read it and then see if I’m exaggerating.
Personally, I got into the habit of recycling several years ago.
Every week I put out a box of cans & glass bottles; a bag full of plastic items; a box of food scraps; a box of newspapers and old clothes; a bag of cardboard items and on alternate weeks, either a bin full of garden rubbish or a bin full of household rubbish.
Yes it takes some organising, but a man’s got to have a hobby.
When it seemed that there was absolutely nothing left for us to recycle, the City Council of Bristol, the U.K’s first European Green Capital, have come up with a recycling scheme that many people might find distasteful.
In fact, you might well turn your noses up at the thought of it.
So if you’ve just eaten, are about to eat or are tucking into a Gregg’s pastie as you read this, you might want to come back and finish the article later in the day.
Bristol is the first British city to operate a bus that’s powered by human sewage.
I don’t know exactly how it’s done, but the process involves sewage being transformed into biothemane gas which powers the ‘bus. Brilliant!
I’m not going to make any cheap toilet jokes or even raise the delicate question about what might be expected of the passengers if the ‘bus suddenly runs out of fuel.
But what I have to point out – because it’s absolutely true – is that the first ‘bus in Bristol to be powered by you-know-what... is a Number Two.

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Bank Holiday:
The more bank holidays I spend in Wales, the closer I get to having webbed feet.
Another Bank Holiday over, and this one was a bit of a washout!
I hate to mention it, but I think I’ve jinxed the weather in Wales, as since I’ve displayed all of my solar lights, the weather has taken a turn for the worst and we’ve not had one evening where I can sit outside and gaze at my newly lit-up garden!
At least we are lucky enough in Wales to have some fantastic entertainment when the weather is less than favourable.
We’ve got some great leisure facilities, museums, theatres, cinemas and indoor shopping available.
So, are we going to have a decent summer this year?
Is it still too early to put my sledge away?
That’s the great thing about living in Wales, you just never know!
In the last few weeks the shorts and T-shirts have been taken out of the cupboard and put back in about 27 times!
Not for nothing is Wales known as the land where you can get sunburn and frostbite on the same day.

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Royal Baby:
Well, the new Royal has finally arrived, with Royal fans camping out for nights before the birth outside the hospital where the baby was to be born.
Bringing a new baby into the family is stressful enough, but you can’t help but wonder how much more stressful this must be when you are constantly under the media spotlight.
This precious little bundle is blissfully unaware at the moment that she is fourth in line to the throne.
When I first read that in the paper I thought they were referring to the queue for the Royal bathroom!
I would imagine William and Kate will be surrounded by a support network of helpers, but I wonder if they sometimes wish they could just pop to Spar in their tracksuit bottoms to pick up milk, or drive into the town for a kebab on a Friday night with no-one noticing?
I often get this problem in Tesco in Ammanford, I feel their pain!
I’m sure they’ll call on grandparents Charles and Camilla to pop round on a Saturday night to do a bit of babysitting so they can have a break! 

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk